Wednesday, September 29, 2010

loneliness

I went to the Greek Food Festival last Friday with Maria and even though I was with her I felt alone. All I wanted to do was go home. That's not who I am. Ever since I started college I've become more introverted. All I do is go to school, then I go to work, then I come home and that is all I do. I feel so lonely all the time. Three of my best friends are gone, either to College Station or Michigan. Another is in Denton, with the life a normal college kid has, while the next is either working or with her newly established boyfriend. Maria is the only person I ever see and even though I love seeing her and being around her I want to see my other friends too. The summer sucked and the three people that I needed the most were not around. I'm not angry about it, I'm so proud of them and what they are doing with their lives. But I want to make them proud with what I am doing with my life and right now I'm doing nothing. I'm not doing anything that I love. I hate school because, well, I hate basic classes.

I love my job but dealing with snotty kids who won't listen and are ridiculously disrespectful takes it's tole on me. Yesterday I had a girl punch me in the back twice for no reason (last year the same girl marked on my signed Anberlin shirt) and she is in 6th grade! How an 11 year old thinks that's okay I will never understand but you can bet if my kid ever did that to any adult or kid it will be one of the last things they ever do. I am amazing at the things that come out of their mouths, some of the meanest things in the world they say to each other, to me, to their teachers, and to Maria and Brittany. I don't get why their parents won't discipline them. But that's another issue all in it's self.

Maria asked me Friday how much I loved music and I couldn't give her answer because I couldn't put it into words. I need to stop doing what my dad and Gram want me to do and start doing what I want. They want me to get my teaching degree so that I can "secure myself a job" but I don't want to teach. I want to produce music. I want to work with people that share the same passion and love for music that I do. I want to be apart of an album that will change some one's life just like The Beautiful Letdown did for me. It's a big dream and a very hard industry to get into and be successful in but it's what I want to do. My dad and Gram can get over themselves because I'm not going to follow in Gram's footsteps and be a teacher. They are fine with Sommer going into finance so they need to be fine with me going into music.

I'm tired of being depressed and feeling alone. I'm tired of hating school and having to force myself to go to school. I want to talk to my friends more than once every few months and I want to see them more than a few times a year. I miss having a group of friends I could always call and I could always hang out with. I miss feeling like people want to hang out with me instead of someone they are hanging out with because they feel that they have to hang out.

I'll get off my soap box now, but really, who's going to read this anyway?

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Music throughout a lifetime

I came up with this conclusion about music being so prominent in my life. I have always loved music, ever since I was little. I was always the one that listened to a CD constantly until I knew all the lyrics to every song. My sister has always come to me to find out what lyrics were or to get new music. I cannot even being to explain how much I love music and how much it has changed my life. I feel like saying that I love music is an understatement but it is the biggest emotion I can put to it.

So here is my conclusion:

Music is one of the (if not the) only constant thing in my life. It has always been there. From when I was little listening to Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin in the car with my dad, to now when I listen to anything from Switchfoot to Justin Timberlake to Kenny Chesney and everything in between. No matter how old I was or what phase I was in in my life music has always been there. It has kind of become a comfort/safety thing. It doesn't matter if the song is something as personal as Concrete Girl or something that I can dance to in my car like Sexyback, I have always listened to music. I love music, its one of the most honest forms of expression I can think of. It says everything that I can't figure out how to put into words. I know that my love and passion for music is something that not everyone understands. I don't get why people are so passionate about sports but it's whatever you want. This is just my conclusion and its something that has been on my mind since Sunday and I had to get it all out of my head so that some other random thought can come through and sit there until I decide to get it all out again.