Sunday, June 19, 2011

one year later

It was one year ago this weekend that my parents separated. There are times when it really gets to me and I get really upset but, for the most part it has become something I have learned to be "okay with" because if I didn't learn that I would be a wreck and I would never come out of my room.

The week that followed this weekend last year easily became one of the worst weeks of my life. Not only did my mom move out but I lost my nanny job because the family had found a summer program they wanted to enroll the kids in. (they decided to tell me then that they had been looking all along even though they already hired me.) Needless to say that little jewel of information did not make my summer any better. But I found that through my job loss I was able to help out my grandparents and uncle with my cousins and, while I wasn't making the money I had hoped for I was at least making some money. So, thank you Uncle Tim for paying me to hang out with Beth and James for the summer. It helped more than you know.

So now a year later how is everything going. Well.... I'm not going to lie and say everything is great and my parents have worked everything out and my mom moved back in and it's like the Brady Bunch because it's nothing like that. My house still has half the furniture, my sister's room still has no bed, my mom is still living in a stupid apartment down the street, and well I still spend a lot of time in my STILL uncleaned room which has been some what frozen in time. I miss my mom everyday. I see her everyday but, I miss her being in the living room whenever I need her. I miss my sister being able to sleep in her own room on the rare occasion she is home for the entire night. And I miss being able to fit everyone comfortably in the living room without someone having to sit one the floor.

I can honestly say that this year (from last Father's Day to this one) has been one of the hardest years of my life. And there are times when I am shocked that I haven't sunken back into a deep depression like I went through a few years ago. But I think it is because unlike last time I have the knowledge of being able to get through this. There are a few people that have helped me through this year.

First off is my sister Sommer who, I can say is the BEST sister in the whole entire world. Even though we don't talk about everything going on with our parents I know that all I have to do is call her and she'll be where ever I need her in a second. She's the only person who truly understands my feelings about this situation. I am so thankful she is my big sister because she takes care of me when I need her too. She also made sure I had the best 21st birthday I could. She even told me "I'm going to make you have fun on your birthday whether you want to or not!" She put together an entire birthday weekend. From going out to a bar on my birthday (friday) to meeting up with Amy and Shelby at the river on Sunday. She didn't have to but she did it because she knew I needed to get out and have some fun and let loose.

Then there is Caroline. I don't think she knows how much her friendship truly means to me. Caroline is the only one of my close friends that I get to see on a regular basis and I love talking to her. She was one of the first people I told about what was going on with my parents and she has been very supportive through out this whole year. I know I can always call her and ask to meet her for coffee or something to talk and she will always listen. Even with a fussy baby. She always makes time for me.

And last but certainly not least is Allison. She is the first person I told about my parents. She met me at 10 pm the night I found out and stayed with me until almost 1 am. She let me cry and even though she didn't know what I was going through she hugged me and listened to everything I attempted to say through my tears. She let me drive all the way up to her apartment out of the blue and cry on her bed for 20 minutes. She is always there day or night no matter what the time is. I know if I need her she will be here as fast as she can. Even when she was on vacation last summer she still texted me and made sure I was okay. I loved meeting her to go on a drive and take pictures around town. Those nights I didn't have to think about whatever was going on, all we would do was drive, blare music, talk, and take dozens of pictures.

To say this year was not easy is a bit of an understatement. There are still times when I sit in my room and cry or I walk into my half furnished living room and turn around and go back into my room. Sometimes I feel like I just want to scream and other times I feel like all I want to do is cry. I get frustrated because there are still times when I feel like my parents are at a stand off but, it's not my relationship and so it's not my responsibility to get them talking and working on whatever issues they need to resolve. If I have learned one thing this year it is that I can most definitely NOT control everything. I don't know how many times I have prayed "God, I know you are in control. Please help me remember that."

While I was writing this the lyrics "don't let go, don't give up hope" came in over the speakers. I choose to believe that is God telling me that this isn't over and that there is still some hope left out there for my family. All I can do is let God be in control and hope and pray that my parents do or say what is needed.