Friday night Allison and I had a much needed MallisonAndy date. Dinner, cheesecake, drinks, Southlake, with a bird in Walmart rounding out the night. I love when Allison and I get to hang out. We are basically the same person and I know I can tell her anything and she is not going to judge me or give me unsolicited advise. Because we are so similar I can tell her how I feel about a situation or why I did something and she will understand because we think the same. Friday we were talking about all the crap that we had both been going through and I came up with a conclusion that I have known for a while. I need therapy.
I've needed it for a while, basically since high school, but I have always got myself out of whatever rut I was in. Whether through friends, music, TWLOHA, or church I always got through it but I never really sorted it all out. In high school I got through my depression with Ericka, Switchfoot, TWLOHA, Natalie, and friends from church and I knew why I was depressed and I worked through it.
But since then a lot has happened. Or not much has happened. I still live at home, going to TCC, working at the same job. I do the same thing every week. Tuesday/Thursday I go to 2 classes and Monday-Friday I go to work. But I've screwed myself so bad that I can now only take 2 classes (money and my ability to handle anything more has been proven slim). So not only am I still doing the same thing FOUR years later, I'm not even a full time student. I can't get a loan (thanks TCC for sucking) and I still have motivation issues going to class. They are not as bad as before because I have a plan in place but still it takes a lot for me to get up and go to class the days I have them.
Since I graduated, I have lost two best friends (that's what happens when you don't work at the right summer camp and you don't go to the right school. You get pushed out of the bubble). I have gained two best friends also. Allison and Maria whom I don't know what I would do with out. Gaining Allison and Maria doesn't make the reality that I found this Summer in the fact that I lost two best friends any easier. But it is wonderful to know that I have them in my life. It sucks when the two friends are in town for a week and either a) don't tell you they are in town or b) tell you but they are to busy to make time to get together. But I will eventually get over it and go on with my life. People come and go and I know that God has a plan and the people in place that He needs me to be surrounded with but it still stings every time I see something on Facebook about their stupid summer camp they work at. (My hatred for this camp is probably more than it ever should be. I know it's a great camp bla bla I don't care so don't tell me.)
My parents have separated. I don't know what's going on and I figure they'll tell me if I need to know anything. But in that happening I now live with just my dad in a house with half the furniture and a TV thats color likes to decide when it wants to work.
My sister moved in and then out and then back in and is now moving back out. The first move out was hard because I really hated her being in Missouri but this next one will be good cause she will only be an hour away.
I'm trying to get to DBU but I am absolutely terrified I will not get in. That the semester I decided to screw up will haunt me for the rest of my life and they will see me as nothing more than a lazy girl who sucks at school. Also that I won't get into the music program and if I do that I will be broke the rest of my life and STILL have to live at home.
I know there are worse things going on in the world and my life is grand compared to a child sleeping on a concrete floor to prevent being kidnapped and forced to become a child soldier. But it's hard to focus on the bigger picture of the world with so many crazy, stupid, idiotic things happening.
I need therapy. I third party who doesn't know me to talk to. Writing and music will always help but they cannot talk back.
I guess till I become rich and have money to get therapy I'll stick to writing and music. They have always served me well and they've never let me down. Thats the good thing about music and writing you don't have to work at the right camp to have them around to help you when you need them.
