Through out the last few months I have had A LOT of questions. Mainly revolving around decisions I have made. Specifically whether or not my decision to leave Vista was good or not. I went back and forth on it through out the summer. Did I leave for good reason? Was it a huge mistake? So many questions everyday through August. I knew why I left and I knew that I had a good reason but there is always that thought in the back of your head that creeps in and makes you question your decisions.
It seems that those thoughts are creeping in more and more. I'm starting to second guess everything I do. Should I have dropped that class? Does that make me a failure? I feel like I think I have so much pressure to go to school that I stress myself out when I don't need to. In reality I go to school because I know that is the only way for me to get a successful job. If I didn't fear not being able to get a job I probable wouldn't be in school. It's that simple. I'm not good at school. I can think of a million different things I would rather do than go to school. But I'm not going to get paid for laying around my house all day. And, as much as I love my job, I do not want to work extended day the rest of my life.
I know the things I need to do. I'm going to start reading my Bible and find a devotional to do to keep me on track. I can't tell my girls to read their Bibles if I'm not doing it myself. I'm going to start taking care of myself. Actually making dinner, healthy dinner, not just mac n' cheese. I need to start exercising too. I'm so incredibly lazy. I'm only taking online classes so I have time to do all of this stuff.
I keep having all these questions but I'm not doing anything to answer them so it's time to start. I am a leader in the youth at church but I don't practice what I preach. I'm becoming a hypocrite and it needs to stop. I can't say "read your Bible and pray everyday" if I don't do it myself. I know if I start leaning on God and reading His word many of these questions will be answered so I am going to start doing it.
So did I leave Vista for a good reason? Yes. I was not going to be a good counselor in the mindset that I was in. I was exhausted and not emotionally set to be counselor in that time. I questioned whether or not I should have left almost every day I was home. The times that I didn't question for one second if I was supposed to be home was when I got to see Delia two days after she was born. I knew the second I got to hold her that I was exactly where I needed to be in that moment and that I would have been incredibly sad if I had had to wait to meet her. Rob, Caroline, Sawyer, and (now) Delia have become incredible important people in my life and that was a moment that I did not want to miss. The other time that I was certain when I got to go to youth camp with FOTP. I needed to hear what Afshin had to say. I needed to meet those girls that I lead and I needed to meet Kaitie who was my other wonderful co-leader.
I still think of Vista at times. I do miss it and the people that I met. I don't know if I will be back there next summer but I know it was a place that changed me through the 2 weeks I worked there.
Now it is time to make my schedule and start answering the questions that I haven't answered yet.
