I was going to wait until I could talk about my first week at DBU but I had other things on my mind.
Friendship is an interesting thing. Sometimes you don't choose your friends. Sometimes they just happen with out warning. You meet someone and the next thing you know your attached at the hip and spending every waking second with them. Other times you might take a little while to get to know the person more. They didn't give off a good impression the first time you met and it left a bad taste in your mouth so they had to work at it. Or you thought they were to cool or pretty to be your friend and that they would never want to be friends with someone like you. Any way you make a friend the relationship with them is work, you can't just sit around and do nothing and expect an outcome.
I don't have that many friends. I would rather have a few close friends than a thousand not-so-close friends. Since I don't have many friends I cherish the relationships I do have. No, I'm not always the best friend I could be but that is part of being human. And part of friendship is forgiving when someone screws up or makes you upset.
Since I don't have many friends when I feel like one is starting to fade away it cuts me deeper than if I had a million friends. When I feel like the relationship is going from a two-way street to a one-way it hurts me deeply. Part if it comes from the fact that I feel things very deeply. So when I feel like someone is upset with me or decides that my friendship is not as important anymore it hurts deep.
I understand people grow apart and that has happened to several of my friendships but usually it involves both parties drifting apart not one person and the other still trying to remain in contact. And I understand being busy and having things to do. I get busy too but it takes effort to make a friendship work and when it feels like only one person is putting in any effort it makes the days when loneliness and despair take over so much longer.
Holidays are incredibly tough these days. They are a reminder of what was and what is now and those are the times when I need friends the most. And lately it feels like I only have 2 or 3 people that care anymore. I love those people with all my heart but there are times when you need one specific person. That one person who you can look at and say exactly what you're thinking and they will listen and even if they don't understand they remain empathetic. There are so many times when I think "I just need [insert name here] and it'll all be okay. If I just talk to them I know I'll feel so much better." But when the only time we talk is whenever I text them it makes me feel like I'm never going to feel any better and like they could care less about our friendship.
I know that people meet new people and become friends and that is a beautiful thing but it doesn't mean you drop your old friends. I don't want this to seem like I only want people to be friends with me and have no other friends because that IS NOT and will NEVER be the case. I know that my friends need other people to talk to and be there for. I'm not going to understand every situation they get in but someone else will and they will be the perfect person to talk to about that. I just get tired of hearing "I'll let you know" and then never hearing anything. I hate getting a text saying "I miss you" only after I have said it first. Like they are only saying it because they feel obligated or sorry for me.
I don't let things go easily and sometimes that can be a bad thing but I feel like friendship is different. Especially when it is someone who knows so much and has been through so much with you.
So what do you do when you feel like your friendship is becoming one sided?
What do you do when the only time you talk is when you talk first?
What do you do when you only want to talk to one person but you're not even sure they want to talk to you or will even answer the phone when you call?
