When I got home from work I went silent. No more talking or making weird noises (which, if you hang out with me at all you know, are frequent) just silent. Just opening my mouth seems to take more effort than I have. Every time my mother asks me a question it take all the energy I have to answer. I thought about going out. Maybe being around friends would help but I didn't even want to do that. I will text but that requires only my fingers. And it's not that I don't have any thoughts, if anything, I have more thoughts now than I have all week just swimming around in my brain. Then, I got the thought that made it all make sense.
God is trying to talk to me.
You see, there as been a lot that has happened this summer. Things I prefer not to share with the internet but more things than I would've liked to attempt to conquer in such a short time frame. They were stressful, confusing, annoying, and sometimes hurtful things. One, made me so angry I was shaking, crying, almost got sick, and was incredibly close to inflicting self-harm for the first time in years. But, through all of this I have not once opened up my bible or journaled or gone to The Lord for help and guidance. See, I have a bad habit of trying to deal with things on my own without any help. The bad thing is that somethings are way to out of my league to deal with on my own and that's when I need to let someone else take the reigns. But I am such a control freak about my life I have a hard time giving them up. So it takes God literally making me go practically mute at times for me to understand that I can no longer continue the way I was going. It takes silence for me to hear God screaming, "I am right here! I want to help you! Let me help you!"
So I finally listened. Conveniently enough God had me go to Half-Priced Books today and randomly (at least I thought it was random) find a devotional from The Message version of the bible. When I finally surrendered to the fact that my night was not meant for only watch countless episodes of 19 Kids and Counting on Netflix, I opened up my new devotional and looked through it. It took me a few tries to find what God was wanting me to read but I finally found it.
Philippians 4:6-9. It is all about turning your worries and anxieties into prayers and giving them to God. To which my response was, "uh...hello stupid! He's talking about you!"
So I did something that I haven't done in months. Like, legit guys, I honestly have no idea the last time I did this. It was honestly, probably towards the end of last year.
I got out my new prayer journal and I prayed.
I prayed for forgiveness because I have been trying to do everything myself and because I have not prayed a serious prayer about anything in I don't know how long. Then I asked for help with all the things I have been trying to deal with on my own. And at the end I thanked God for loving me despite me not letting him take control and ,for welcoming me back with open arms every time I stray away.
And now, I feel so much better. I feel lighter and like I can breathe. I am starting to find my voice, although it is just noises at the moment. I think I will be silent the rest of the night because I need it. I need to stop talking about being angry and anxious. I need to be still and quiet and let God take control of my life. I have needed to do it since January and I have held on to the reigns for far to long. It's time to let the Creator of all things, my Lord, my Savior, my King have the reigns back. I mean, it's quiet obvious that I was never really in control in the first place.
