Sunday, April 5, 2015

Easter 2015

Today is arguably the most important day in the Christian faith. Easter or, Resurrection Sunday as some call it now. The day Jesus rose from the dead. It is supposed to be a day to celebrate the renewing and rebirth of our King. A day to acknowledge, honor, and worship our Jesus Christ for giving up his own life for man kind.

So how do I celebrate? Well to start off I woke up at 2am and cried to Jesus. I asked what I was doing wrong. I asked if I was wrong for feeling the way I was feeling. I asked what I could do to help my situation. I cried for understanding of a situation that just goes in a circle and never gets fixed. Then I went back to sleep after I felt a small bit of peace. Then I cried again on my way to church, which pissed me off because I didn't want to cry on my way to church. Then I cried at church which made me even more angry. I didn't want to bring my drama into a place where I was supposed to be celebrating. I didn't want people to know I was upset. I didn't want my sister to know I was upset. (Which, because she is my sister, she knew the moment she saw me.) I didn't want to cry in public but I have an annoying habit of letting my anger and anxiety get the best of me.

So how do you celebrate the most important day of the year when your heart is in such a dark place you don't know how to get it out? Quite frankly I have no idea. I don't know how to put aside all of the negativity in my life because there is so much of it. In the last year I have become more cynical, angry, and mean. (Not to mention the amount of weight I have gained.) I have put down, criticized, and been down right mean to people that have been nothing but kind and supportive of me. I have completely shut out people that have done nothing to deserve it. And why? Because I keep having the same conversation and all it does is go in a circle. And I'm frustrated and pissed off and exhausted and sad and hurt. And I can't do anything about it at this exact moment in my life so I take it out on my friends. I can not even begin explain how awful I feel about it. I am truly sorry to all of the friends I have hurt in some way, shape, or form. Whether you knew I was doing it or not, I am sorry.

I have let my anxiety and anger take control of my life. I didn't think I had. I thought I was doing good but I still have specific triggers that set me off. And it's not from time to time it's Every. Single. Week. It's not good. It's not healthy. It is destroying me from the inside out and I am exhausted and can't do it anymore.

Christ died and came back to free me from my anger and anxiety so why is it so hard for me to let Him have control instead of my emotions? Time and time again I do this. I try to control everything in my life and all I do is get hurt. So why can't I release control? Why can't I let Jesus, the one who loves me so much He gave his life, take control?

I can answer that. It's because I like to know what is going on at every moment of my life. I like to have control. The question I don't know how to answer is how to I change so that God can take control? Do I just say "God you have control now"? Cause I can say that but I know I really didn't give it to him. So how do I give up control so that God, who is much better at my life than I am, can take control? I guess I'll start with the Bible and talking to Him instead of talking to myself.

If you have any suggestions please share them.

1 comment:

Boyblaze27 said...

One step at a time, find one area to give him control, tithing, praying before making big life changing decisions, etc and work on it till you feel more comfortable on that area. Then move to another area, baby steps till you've got it down. I think you've started asking the right questions though which is hard to do, it's hard to critique yourself and hard to admit how you are, trust me I have my own things I'm working on, lots of things, but It's really cool to see how honest and open you are about how your feelings because I think too many Christians get into this train of thought that says "I have to be perfect all the time I can't let anyone know I'm having issues" or "If I let someone know they will think less of me" but that's totally untrue, we all have issues we are working though and the best way to overcome them is with other people. So I have you say you are awesome for writing this. :)