I want to be a writer but I have nothing to write. I have this dream of writing a book but I don't know what it is about. Is it a book about life? Is it a book about kids? Is it a novel? I think about it all the time. How I want to write a book. I think about what I might write and then I think I could never write a book because I have nothing really to say. Or if I write a book it'll be like all the other books in that category. My dream is to inspire people, make them think, make them want to be better, because that is what I want to do. I want to be inspired. I want to think deeply. I want to be better. But how do I put it all into practice?
Well, first, I have to get off my ass and start living. Going places, doing things. But what to do? My circle of friends has become more of a short line of about four people and I am not involved in anything at the moment. Honestly though, it feels good to not have any commitments. For the last few years I had things going on multiple nights of the week. I was either at a small group or leading one, at church or volunteering at church. I got to a point of exhaustion and a realization that I was doing all these things because that is what I had always done. I had always gone to church and when I got old enough, I had always been a volunteer. So why was I doing it now? Did I go to church because that is where I wanted to be or because that is what I had always done?
I had said for a few years that once my high school girls graduated I was taking a break from serving. So their last Wednesday as seniors was my last Wednesday as a leader. I'm not going to lie, I love being able to be home and veg on Wednesday nights. It's so great to get home, get in my sweat pants, and just sit on the couch doing nothing. I do miss my girls but I don't miss the constant drama that comes with volunteering at a church.
I also stopped going to church. Not because I was mad or anything, but because I needed to stop for a little while. I have been going to church my entire life. It was a part of my routine but it needed to stop being part of a routine. So I stopped going and I LOVED sleeping in on Sundays. I loved waking up and lounging around until I had to do my laundry. I would go every once in a while but not consistently. Then my church started a series at the beginning of January that I knew I had to hear so I started going back. Now, with my best friend back by my side since she moved back home. I am happy to be going back to church. And I am thankful to be part of a church that is okay with me easing back in. It has been healthy for me to go back but, it was healthy for me to take a break. There was so much drama everywhere I turned and it was no longer about Jesus. It was about everything and everyone else. I was no longer learning about God, I was learning about what someone did or said that was rude or judgmental. Ugh, it was exhausting! Always, every week, I would walk in and it would be this whole thing of "OMG *insert name here* said *insert offensive sexist remark here* today!" And then I would get all hot and bothered and caught up in the drama. And guess what!? I learned nothing about Jesus! But, I did learned that *insert name here* was an even bigger ass than I thought they were. And where did knowing that absurd piece of gossip get me? Not closer to Jesus, but definitely further away.
When I stopped volunteering and going to church I basically stopped my life. I stopped hanging out with people and I stopped going places, but it was good for me. I needed to stop and refocus. Refocus on who I was as a person.
I do miss have a group of friends but I am fine with where my life is now. I am fine with having a short line of friends. The people in that short line have been with me for a while now, some since high school, others since just out of high school. But I have found that these are the people, no matter what, are always there for me. I have had my ups and downs with every single one of them, but somehow we always find our way back to one another. Time and time again God has shown me that these are my true friends. My true, ride or die, friends. The ones that you call in the middle of the night or get drunk with and profess your love too friends. The ones that you text all the weird shit you think about too.
So now that I have gone on this somewhat random, ADD, roller coaster of a post let's try and bring it back full circle.
The only way I can be a writer is if I write things down. (Duh). So I am going to start living life (again) and embracing it. And only watch a few movies on the Harry Potter marathon weekends instead of all of them. So I'll see where this year takes me. Hopefully it'll be an adventure that will make its way onto a page somewhere to maybe become something someone, somewhere, will be inspired by. Luckily, I've got my ride or dies by my side to help me through.
