Wednesday, April 6, 2016

TWLOHA, what I have learned in 10 years

10 years. It's hard to believe that 10 years ago Switchfoot posted on their MySpace a post asking their fans to go read a story their friend Jamie had written. The story was called To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) and it has helped thousands of people, myself included. (If you would like to read my story I have it posted under the title, "Don't Fall Down.")

I have been struggling for words about the 10 year anniversary of this amazing organization. I feel like I owe them at least a simple blog post. But to be honest, I can't find the words to say. I have already shared my story a few years ago (again, see the post "Don't Fall Down) but I feel with such a milestone I should have something to say. So I will just name off a few things I have experienced with TWLOHA.

1. I have been introduced to so much new music. Anberlin, Paramore, and Between the Trees to name a few. All three of those bands became some of my favorites and I still get sad when I think about the fact that Anberlin is no longer a band. (I legit cried when I found out they were breaking up.) The Unwinding Cable Car is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard in my life. The whole entire Cities album is pure perfection in my eyes.

2. I learned it was okay to have feelings. As strange as that sounds it is not really too far fetched. We live in a world that says we don't want to talk about the "bad" feelings. We don't talk about feeling sad, anxious, depressed, or suicidal. No one wants to deal with that so we simply don't deal with that. But TWLOHA helped me understand that it is okay to feel all those "bad" feelings. That it is something a lot of people deal with and there is no shame in having those feelings.

3. I have been given strength and courage to deal with my depression and anxiety. I no longer feel like I have to keep it to myself or pretend like I don't deal with both on an almost daily basis. I have been given the courage to seek professional help from a counselor and the strength to realize and be able to ask to be put on anxiety/depression medication. Even though I know that I will always be strong enough to overcome the moments my depression and anxiety feel unbarable there are moments I need help. When my anxiety gets the best of me and I end of collapsed on the floor of my kitchen I know that I can no longer handle my anxiety on my own. My anxiety/depression medication help me to rationalize why I am freaking out.

4. I have found that I am no longer afraid to use my voice and my story to encourage others. After I got through the roughest part of my depression in high school I never wanted to talk about it. It was to fresh to talk about. I was afraid I would go back into that headspace and not be able to get out. Certain things that I would turn to during my darkest moments I could no longer listen to or look at because it automatically brought me back to those dark places. It wasn't until about two years ago I was able to listen to the song Concrete Girl again. That song literally saved my life but every time I heard it I would remember everything I went through.

Now, after sharing it with many students, I have realized my story makes me stronger. My story is there reason I am on this planet.

5. I have come to the realization that: a) I have struggled with anxiety since literally the moment I entered this world. (seriously, ask my mom) and b) I will always struggle with anxiety and that is okay.

As much as it sucks and as hard as it is to get out of bed some days I still have to live my life. I live with anxiety but my anxiety no longer runs my life. I used to never want to do anything that involved me spending an amount of time overnight away from my home. (This was the main reason it took me so long to move out on my own.) I would get anxiety attacks the night before trips that I had been extremely excited for. I would back out of plans, all because my anxiety told me something awful was going to happen when I left, but nothing bad ever happened. I eventually got so sick of having anxiety attacks over nothing I went to my doctor and asked for anxiety meds. (I think my exact words were, "I can't keep crying over stupid stuff. I'm exhausted.") Now, I still get anxiety attacks and they still suck but I know how to cope with them and they are no longer as frequent as they used to be.

It is still hard for me to grasp the fact that TWLOHA has been around for 10 years. That also means I am 10 years older than I was when I first heard about it. (EEK!) In ten years I have changed a lot, as most people do in that amount of time. I have also stayed the same in some aspects. I still believe helping people with anxiety, depression, and addiction is important. I still believe Love Wins over all. I still believe in Jesus' love and mercy. I still deal with depression. I will deal with it for as long as I am alive, but now I know there is hope and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that just because some days I want to stay in bed and never leave doesn't mean it'll always be like that. It is easier for me to see the light when I am surrounded be dark. To Write Love On Her Arms has taught me all these things. They make me a stronger and  braver person. They remind me that I am important and my story is important and that there is more to live for in this world than I could ever imagine. They remind me that I am loved and cared for. Thank you for that.

I wish I could do something more than write simple words, but then I am reminded that simple words formed a story that changed my life. So, the more I think about it the more appropriate words seem to be to express my love and gratitude for these amazing people. The only thing more perfect would be if I were to put it on MySpace but I don't know how to use it anymore. :)