tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-61197033053027348342024-02-07T14:02:32.709-08:00mandy's random thoughtsmandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-38672612720893726832017-02-24T17:43:00.002-08:002017-02-24T17:46:44.627-08:00Where The Light Shines Through<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Everyday I have about an hour where I sit in a dark room surrounded by sleeping babies. Sometimes I get some work done and other times I get to read or do little "nap time doodles" as I call them. One day in January I got the idea for the song I Won't Let You Go and decided to doodle it out. The next day I got the idea for Healer of Souls and then I started doing one for each song on the album Where The Light Shines Through. All of them are black and white because 1) I like the look and 2) I have black pens that I love to draw with. So I hope you enjoy this unintentional photo essay.<br />
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P.S. you can click the image to make it bigger.<br />
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Holy Water:<br />
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Float:<br />
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Where The Light Shines Through:<br />
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I Won't Let You Go:</div>
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If The House Burns Down Tonight:</div>
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The Day I Found God:</div>
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Shake This Feeling:</div>
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Bull in a China Shop:</div>
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Live It Well:</div>
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Looking For America:</div>
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Healer Of Souls:</div>
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Hope is the Anthem:</div>
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Bonus:</div>
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Daisy from Nothing is Sound</div>
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mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-64579750939960718312016-11-10T16:51:00.000-08:002016-11-10T16:51:00.801-08:0011.10.16Reasons I cried this week...<br />
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Shock<br />
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Confusion<br />
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Horror<br />
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Because our country elected a man who thinks it's okay to walk into an under aged girl's dressing room while they are changing.<br />
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Because he thinks just because he is famous he can "do stuff like that" and no one says anything about it.<br />
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Because he has 12 women accusing him of sexual assault.<br />
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Because he said sometimes you just have to "grab them by the pussy."<br />
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Because Republicans are afraid of Democrats.<br />
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Because Democrats are afraid of Republicans.<br />
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Because we live in an "us vs. them" environment.<br />
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Because my friends are now worried about their marriages.<br />
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Because my other friends are worried they will be deported, beaten, or worse.<br />
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Because I am not "lucky" enough to be born a white male.<br />
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Because my niece/nephew will be born during this presidency.<br />
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Because it feels like fear won.<br />
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Because I know beautiful and intelligent women who voted for him.<br />
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Because it takes more for me to get an entry level job than for a conman to become President.<br />
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Because our country has become so divided that this was able to happen.<br />
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Because the suicide prevention and crisis hot lines get overwhelmed on Tuesday night.<br />
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Because To Write Love On Her Arms HAD to tweet out the information for the hot lines because so many people were/are scared.<br />
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I am NOT crying because my candidate lost. For those who think Hillary supporters are crying because she lost that is not true. I don't cry because I didn't win. I cry because I am scared for the state this country is in and what state this country will be in.<br />
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<br />mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-21023816730449285492016-09-10T12:14:00.002-07:002016-09-10T12:14:49.392-07:00Ten.This is the anniversary of when my depression started. It was around this time 10 years ago that I went through the worst season of depression I have ever gone through. A lot has changed in 10 years. Some good, some bad, some happy, some sad. I do not take it lightly that the anniversary of my depression also happens to be on the same weekend as World Suicide Prevention Day. It seems almost fitting in a way.<br />
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As I sit here in my "And So I Kept Living" shirt I realize all the things going on in my life. Lots of changes are happening or in the process of happening. Some are exciting and others are stressful. As my anxiety weighs on me today I keep reminding myself that I have made it 10 years and I can make it 10, 20, 30, 40, or 50 more years. In these last 10 years I have had my share of bad days. I have had my share of anxiety attacks, therapy sessions, and anti-depressant medication. But the difference in how a respond to them now and how I did 10 years ago is different. I know how to calm myself down. I can recognize when my anxiety and depression are getting worse and I need to seek professional help. I can tell when I have forgotten to take my anti-depressants and need to take them.<br />
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So, now, 10 years later what have I learned? Why have I kept living? Simply put, it's because this is not the time for my story to be over. There is more life I need to live, more adventures I need to have, more people I need to meet. More beaches and mountains to be laid on and climbed up. There are too many things I want to do in my life to stop living. Too many best friend and sister adventures that have yet to be taken.<br />
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So even with my anxiety rearing it's annoying little head today I will keep going. I will keep living.mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-31949347301363437682016-07-08T18:54:00.000-07:002016-07-08T18:54:08.983-07:00Dear friends,Today is not the day to post about your point being proven.<br />
Today is not the day to say "I told you so."<br />
Today is not the day to re-post an insensitive meme about a political issue you feel passionately about.<br />
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Today is a day to mourn with the broken.<br />
Today is a day to pray for the victims.<br />
Today is a day to pray for the families.<br />
Today is a day to pray for our country.<br />
Today is a day to pray for Dallas.<br />
Today is a day to pray for Louisiana.<br />
Today is a day to pray for Minnesota.<br />
Today is a day to be human.<br />
Today is a day to sit Shiva.<br />
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Is this the world you want? You're making it, everyday you're alive. - Jon Foremanmandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-12218470616793375712016-04-06T16:40:00.000-07:002016-04-06T16:53:52.280-07:00TWLOHA, what I have learned in 10 years10 years. It's hard to believe that 10 years ago Switchfoot posted on their MySpace a post asking their fans to go read a story their friend Jamie had written. The story was called To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) and it has helped thousands of people, myself included. (If you would like to read my story I have it posted under the title, "Don't Fall Down.")<br />
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I have been struggling for words about the 10 year anniversary of this amazing organization. I feel like I owe them at least a simple blog post. But to be honest, I can't find the words to say. I have already shared my story a few years ago (again, see the post "Don't Fall Down) but I feel with such a milestone I should have something to say. So I will just name off a few things I have experienced with TWLOHA.<br />
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1. I have been introduced to so much new music. Anberlin, Paramore, and Between the Trees to name a few. All three of those bands became some of my favorites and I still get sad when I think about the fact that Anberlin is no longer a band. (I legit cried when I found out they were breaking up.) The Unwinding Cable Car is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard in my life. The whole entire Cities album is pure perfection in my eyes.<br />
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2. I learned it was okay to have feelings. As strange as that sounds it is not really too far fetched. We live in a world that says we don't want to talk about the "bad" feelings. We don't talk about feeling sad, anxious, depressed, or suicidal. No one wants to deal with that so we simply don't deal with that. But TWLOHA helped me understand that it is okay to feel all those "bad" feelings. That it is something a lot of people deal with and there is no shame in having those feelings.<br />
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3. I have been given strength and courage to deal with my depression and anxiety. I no longer feel like I have to keep it to myself or pretend like I don't deal with both on an almost daily basis. I have been given the courage to seek professional help from a counselor and the strength to realize and be able to ask to be put on anxiety/depression medication. Even though I know that I will always be strong enough to overcome the moments my depression and anxiety feel unbarable there are moments I need help. When my anxiety gets the best of me and I end of collapsed on the floor of my kitchen I know that I can no longer handle my anxiety on my own. My anxiety/depression medication help me to rationalize why I am freaking out.<br />
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4. I have found that I am no longer afraid to use my voice and my story to encourage others. After I got through the roughest part of my depression in high school I never wanted to talk about it. It was to fresh to talk about. I was afraid I would go back into that headspace and not be able to get out. Certain things that I would turn to during my darkest moments I could no longer listen to or look at because it automatically brought me back to those dark places. It wasn't until about two years ago I was able to listen to the song Concrete Girl again. That song literally saved my life but every time I heard it I would remember everything I went through.<br />
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Now, after sharing it with many students, I have realized my story makes me stronger. My story is there reason I am on this planet.<br />
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5. I have come to the realization that: a) I have struggled with anxiety since literally the moment I entered this world. (seriously, ask my mom) and b) I will always struggle with anxiety and that is okay.<br />
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As much as it sucks and as hard as it is to get out of bed some days I still have to live my life. I live with anxiety but my anxiety no longer runs my life. I used to never want to do anything that involved me spending an amount of time overnight away from my home. (This was the main reason it took me so long to move out on my own.) I would get anxiety attacks the night before trips that I had been extremely excited for. I would back out of plans, all because my anxiety told me something awful was going to happen when I left, but nothing bad ever happened. I eventually got so sick of having anxiety attacks over nothing I went to my doctor and asked for anxiety meds. (I think my exact words were, "I can't keep crying over stupid stuff. I'm exhausted.") Now, I still get anxiety attacks and they still suck but I know how to cope with them and they are no longer as frequent as they used to be.<br />
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It is still hard for me to grasp the fact that TWLOHA has been around for 10 years. That also means I am 10 years older than I was when I first heard about it. (EEK!) In ten years I have changed a lot, as most people do in that amount of time. I have also stayed the same in some aspects. I still believe helping people with anxiety, depression, and addiction is important. I still believe Love Wins over all. I still believe in Jesus' love and mercy. I still deal with depression. I will deal with it for as long as I am alive, but now I know there is hope and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that just because some days I want to stay in bed and never leave doesn't mean it'll always be like that. It is easier for me to see the light when I am surrounded be dark. To Write Love On Her Arms has taught me all these things. They make me a stronger and braver person. They remind me that I am important and my story is important and that there is more to live for in this world than I could ever imagine. They remind me that I am loved and cared for. Thank you for that.<br />
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I wish I could do something more than write simple words, but then I am reminded that simple words formed a story that changed my life. So, the more I think about it the more appropriate words seem to be to express my love and gratitude for these amazing people. The only thing more perfect would be if I were to put it on MySpace but I don't know how to use it anymore. :)mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-26221989498232892212016-02-04T18:34:00.001-08:002016-02-04T18:39:44.266-08:00I want to be a writer but I have nothing to say...I want to be a writer but I have nothing to write. I have this dream of writing a book but I don't know what it is about. Is it a book about life? Is it a book about kids? Is it a novel? I think about it all the time. How I want to write a book. I think about what I might write and then I think I could never write a book because I have nothing really to say. Or if I write a book it'll be like all the other books in that category. My dream is to inspire people, make them think, make them want to be better, because that is what I want to do. I want to be inspired. I want to think deeply. I want to be better. But how do I put it all into practice?<br />
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Well, first, I have to get off my ass and start living. Going places, doing things. But what to do? My circle of friends has become more of a short line of about four people and I am not involved in anything at the moment. Honestly though, it feels good to not have any commitments. For the last few years I had things going on multiple nights of the week. I was either at a small group or leading one, at church or volunteering at church. I got to a point of exhaustion and a realization that I was doing all these things because that is what I had always done. I had always gone to church and when I got old enough, I had always been a volunteer. So why was I doing it now? Did I go to church because that is where I wanted to be or because that is what I had always done?<br />
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I had said for a few years that once my high school girls graduated I was taking a break from serving. So their last Wednesday as seniors was my last Wednesday as a leader. I'm not going to lie, I love being able to be home and veg on Wednesday nights. It's so great to get home, get in my sweat pants, and just sit on the couch doing nothing. I do miss my girls but I don't miss the constant drama that comes with volunteering at a church.<br />
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I also stopped going to church. Not because I was mad or anything, but because I needed to stop for a little while. I have been going to church my entire life. It was a part of my routine but it needed to stop being part of a routine. So I stopped going and I LOVED sleeping in on Sundays. I loved waking up and lounging around until I had to do my laundry. I would go every once in a while but not consistently. Then my church started a series at the beginning of January that I knew I had to hear so I started going back. Now, with my best friend back by my side since she moved back home. I am happy to be going back to church. And I am thankful to be part of a church that is okay with me easing back in. It has been healthy for me to go back but, it was healthy for me to take a break. There was so much drama everywhere I turned and it was no longer about Jesus. It was about everything and everyone else. I was no longer learning about God, I was learning about what someone did or said that was rude or judgmental. Ugh, it was exhausting! Always, every week, I would walk in and it would be this whole thing of "OMG *insert name here* said *insert offensive sexist remark here* today!" And then I would get all hot and bothered and caught up in the drama. And guess what!? I learned nothing about Jesus! But, I did learned that *insert name here* was an even bigger ass than I thought they were. And where did knowing that absurd piece of gossip get me? Not closer to Jesus, but definitely further away.<br />
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When I stopped volunteering and going to church I basically stopped my life. I stopped hanging out with people and I stopped going places, but it was good for me. I needed to stop and refocus. Refocus on who I was as a person.<br />
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I do miss have a group of friends but I am fine with where my life is now. I am fine with having a short line of friends. The people in that short line have been with me for a while now, some since high school, others since just out of high school. But I have found that these are the people, no matter what, are always there for me. I have had my ups and downs with every single one of them, but somehow we always find our way back to one another. Time and time again God has shown me that these are my true friends. My true, ride or die, friends. The ones that you call in the middle of the night or get drunk with and profess your love too friends. The ones that you text all the weird shit you think about too.<br />
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So now that I have gone on this somewhat random, ADD, roller coaster of a post let's try and bring it back full circle.<br />
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The only way I can be a writer is if I write things down. (Duh). So I am going to start living life (again) and embracing it. And only watch a few movies on the Harry Potter marathon weekends instead of all of them. So I'll see where this year takes me. Hopefully it'll be an adventure that will make its way onto a page somewhere to maybe become something someone, somewhere, will be inspired by. Luckily, I've got my ride or dies by my side to help me through.mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-78017886762290397112015-04-05T11:48:00.000-07:002015-04-05T11:48:43.846-07:00Easter 2015Today is arguably the most important day in the Christian faith. Easter or, Resurrection Sunday as some call it now. The day Jesus rose from the dead. It is supposed to be a day to celebrate the renewing and rebirth of our King. A day to acknowledge, honor, and worship our Jesus Christ for giving up his own life for man kind.<br />
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So how do I celebrate? Well to start off I woke up at 2am and cried to Jesus. I asked what I was doing wrong. I asked if I was wrong for feeling the way I was feeling. I asked what I could do to help my situation. I cried for understanding of a situation that just goes in a circle and never gets fixed. Then I went back to sleep after I felt a small bit of peace. Then I cried again on my way to church, which pissed me off because I didn't want to cry on my way to church. Then I cried at church which made me even more angry. I didn't want to bring my drama into a place where I was supposed to be celebrating. I didn't want people to know I was upset. I didn't want my sister to know I was upset. (Which, because she is my sister, she knew the moment she saw me.) I didn't want to cry in public but I have an annoying habit of letting my anger and anxiety get the best of me.<br />
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So how do you celebrate the most important day of the year when your heart is in such a dark place you don't know how to get it out? Quite frankly I have no idea. I don't know how to put aside all of the negativity in my life because there is so much of it. In the last year I have become more cynical, angry, and mean. (Not to mention the amount of weight I have gained.) I have put down, criticized, and been down right mean to people that have been nothing but kind and supportive of me. I have completely shut out people that have done nothing to deserve it. And why? Because I keep having the same conversation and all it does is go in a circle. And I'm frustrated and pissed off and exhausted and sad and hurt. And I can't do anything about it at this exact moment in my life so I take it out on my friends. I can not even begin explain how awful I feel about it. I am truly sorry to all of the friends I have hurt in some way, shape, or form. Whether you knew I was doing it or not, I am sorry.<br />
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I have let my anxiety and anger take control of my life. I didn't think I had. I thought I was doing good but I still have specific triggers that set me off. And it's not from time to time it's Every. Single. Week. It's not good. It's not healthy. It is destroying me from the inside out and I am exhausted and can't do it anymore.<br />
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Christ died and came back to free me from my anger and anxiety so why is it so hard for me to let Him have control instead of my emotions? Time and time again I do this. I try to control everything in my life and all I do is get hurt. So why can't I release control? Why can't I let Jesus, the one who loves me so much He gave his life, take control?<br />
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I can answer that. It's because I like to know what is going on at every moment of my life. I like to have control. The question I don't know how to answer is how to I change so that God can take control? Do I just say "God you have control now"? Cause I can say that but I know I really didn't give it to him. So how do I give up control so that God, who is much better at my life than I am, can take control? I guess I'll start with the Bible and talking to Him instead of talking to myself. <br />
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If you have any suggestions please share them.mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-44075507845807242702015-02-28T13:35:00.001-08:002015-02-28T13:35:21.547-08:00Secrets of the world on the other side of the door.There are so many things I want to say. So many thoughts, emotions, and opinions I want to purge. Sometimes I feel like it'll be so much easier to just tell the world. To write it all out and set it free for everyone to read. It's the only way to get people's attention anyway. It's the only way I can get them to listen to me without interrupting me to tell me why my feelings or opinions are wrong. But I can't say anything. I have to keep my mouth shut because the ones I care about the most will be the ones to get hurt the worst. Because it is not my place to have to share ALL the secrets I have been forced to keep.<br />
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How is it fair to put so much on one person, knowing how hurt they are by your actions? I'm stuck in my room with my computer and my phone. Grateful for the friend on the other end of the text message who has been there for me through all this craziness. They know all the secrets, they were one of the first people I told them too. Because I trust them. Because they love and care about me and understand me in a way that others (the people who's secrets I hold) will never understand. The person on the other end of the text message is someone I can truly say has my best interest at heart. So I'm stuck in my room, although I've been told I'm aloud to leave it.<br />
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I have dealt with depression since middle school but never really had a problem with anxiety until college. I can pin-point the moment that I started having anxiety attacks. It was one night I was staying with a friend because her parents were out of town. I had my first anxiety attack that night on my way. I was terrified to leave my house and I didn't understand why. I started noticing a pattern, every time I would go stay with someone or go out of town I would have horrible anxiety attacks. Some so bad I would get physically sick, others would just be sobbing to the point where I couldn't breathe. It all came down to a decision that was made by someone when I was out of town. When I came back into town my whole entire world had come crashing down before my eyes. With no time to digest the information I was thrown into a world where other people's decisions had completely turned my world on it's head.<br />
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And now 5 years later things have changed but none for the better. Things have been revealed and asked to be kept a secret. People get upset when I do not react the way they want despite the effect their actions have had. I ask one thing, literally I have asked one thing and it was turned into me trying to be manipulative when all I wanted was one boundary. I still do not understand how that one got twisted into that. But the damage has been done and it can not be reversed. And it just keeps being done over and over again with complete disregard to how actions can affect the ones whom you love the most.<br />
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So I guess I'm just going to keep sitting here in my room since all the secrets are on the other side of the door and I just can't take it anymore. I can't keep feeling like I am betraying and hurting the ones I love because I have to keep other people's secrets. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to me.mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-53775418825462860762014-08-22T20:31:00.001-07:002014-08-22T20:31:39.205-07:00Silence is GoldenWhen I got home from work I went silent. No more talking or making weird noises (which, if you hang out with me at all you know, are frequent) just silent. Just opening my mouth seems to take more effort than I have. Every time my mother asks me a question it take all the energy I have to answer. I thought about going out. Maybe being around friends would help but I didn't even want to do that. I will text but that requires only my fingers. And it's not that I don't have any thoughts, if anything, I have more thoughts now than I have all week just swimming around in my brain. Then, I got the thought that made it all make sense.<br />
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God is trying to talk to me.<br />
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You see, there as been a lot that has happened this summer. Things I prefer not to share with the internet but more things than I would've liked to attempt to conquer in such a short time frame. They were stressful, confusing, annoying, and sometimes hurtful things. One, made me so angry I was shaking, crying, almost got sick, and was incredibly close to inflicting self-harm for the first time in years. But, through all of this I have not once opened up my bible or journaled or gone to The Lord for help and guidance. See, I have a bad habit of trying to deal with things on my own without any help. The bad thing is that somethings are way to out of my league to deal with on my own and that's when I need to let someone else take the reigns. But I am such a control freak about my life I have a hard time giving them up. So it takes God literally making me go practically mute at times for me to understand that I can no longer continue the way I was going. It takes silence for me to hear God screaming, "I am right here! I want to help you! Let me help you!"<br />
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So I finally listened. Conveniently enough God had me go to Half-Priced Books today and randomly (at least I thought it was random) find a devotional from The Message version of the bible. When I finally surrendered to the fact that my night was not meant for only watch countless episodes of 19 Kids and Counting on Netflix, I opened up my new devotional and looked through it. It took me a few tries to find what God was wanting me to read but I finally found it.<br />
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Philippians 4:6-9. It is all about turning your worries and anxieties into prayers and giving them to God. To which my response was, "uh...hello stupid! He's talking about you!"<br />
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So I did something that I haven't done in months. Like, legit guys, I honestly have no idea the last time I did this. It was honestly, probably towards the end of last year.<br />
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I got out my new prayer journal and I prayed.<br />
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I prayed for forgiveness because I have been trying to do everything myself and because I have not prayed a serious prayer about anything in I don't know how long. Then I asked for help with all the things I have been trying to deal with on my own. And at the end I thanked God for loving me despite me not letting him take control and ,for welcoming me back with open arms every time I stray away.<br />
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And now, I feel so much better. I feel lighter and like I can breathe. I am starting to find my voice, although it is just noises at the moment. I think I will be silent the rest of the night because I need it. I need to stop talking about being angry and anxious. I need to be still and quiet and let God take control of my life. I have needed to do it since January and I have held on to the reigns for far to long. It's time to let the Creator of all things, my Lord, my Savior, my King have the reigns back. I mean, it's quiet obvious that I was never really in control in the first place.<br />
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<br />mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-6995475096226009372014-05-28T12:32:00.000-07:002014-05-28T12:32:46.550-07:00To my Junior and Senior girls,<br />
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<li><span style="font-size: large;">You are beautiful, smart young women who will change the world some day.</span></li>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-size: large;">You can do <u><b>ANYTHING</b></u> you set your mind to.</span></li>
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<li>Don't let the world or the media or the church's view of what a woman can or cannot do stop you.</li>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-size: large;">Find your passion and run with it. </span></li>
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<li>Is it helping kids or feeding the homeless? Is it getting clean water to poor parts of the world or saving children from slavery? Is it helping people your own age going through something you've already gone through?</li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-size: large;">Use your passion to further God's Kingdom and help the world.</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-size: large;">It <u><b>IS</b></u> okay to have doubts and questions. It is part of growing as a person.</span></li>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-size: large;">Ask questions and do research. Don't take everything you hear at face value.</span></li>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-size: large;">Your words mean more than you think. Choose them wisely.</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-size: large;">And above all please please remember that: <u style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">LOVE WINS</u> and it always will.</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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Love Always,</div>
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Mandy</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-91376959071031263252014-03-31T15:43:00.000-07:002014-03-31T15:43:16.221-07:00Silver Linings Playbook.Back in January I finally got to sit down and watch Silver Linings Playbook. (Yes, I realize I'm about a year late to the party but whatever.) I am a huge Jennifer Lawrence fan so pretty much anytime she has a movie out I want to see it (unless it's scary) but I didn't get to make it to the theater to see this one. I really liked the movie back in January but I hadn't get to watch it again until this weekend when I finally bought it on dvd. So far I have watched it twice since Saturday and each time I find something more in the movie and like the movie even more than I did before. Here is a short synopsis if you've never seen it:<br />
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So there is this guy Pat and he is just getting out of a mental rehabilitation hospital cause he found his wife cheating on him and he beat up the guy she was cheating with. Everyone is a little afraid of him and unsure of him because of his emotionally charged physical outburst but he is a genuinely good guy. One night he goes over to his friend Ronnie's house to have dinner with Ronnie and his wife, Veronica. So he goes over there and Veronica's sister Tiffany is also at the dinner. Tiffany has recently lost her husband and been fired from her job so she is also dealing with difficult issues. They become friends and Tiffany agrees to get Pat's wife, Nikki, a letter he has written her if he agrees to dance with Tiffany in a competition in exchange.<br />
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So they set up this agreement and through out the entire movie you see Pat and Tiffany's relationship evolve into something beautiful. You see them start to break down the walls they have both built up from their own heartache and help each other get through all the dark stuff in their lives. People are scarred and nervous around Pat and Tiffany because they are honest and harsh with their views on reality and they aren't afraid to say what they think or feel. In one scene Pat's father is asking Pat why he keeps hanging out with Tiffany because he doesn't like the person he has heard that she is and he doesn't want his son around that. One day as Pat's family and friends are trying to dis-encourage him from hanging out with Tiffany so much Pat and his friend Danny that he meets in the hospital have a wonderful exchange with the other characters.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: bold;">Pat: </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">People like Tiffany, or Danny, or me, maybe we know something that you guys don't know, okay? Did you ever think about that? Maybe we understand something because we're more...</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: bold;">Danny: </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Yeah, we have a sixth sense. I mean, everybody's got it. Everybody's just not in touch with it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Every time I have watched this movie that exchange has stirred something inside me. Maybe because they have suffered they understand the world in a different way. Maybe because they have faced trials you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy they see things in a way that makes the world turn differently. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I liked that both Pat and Tiffany had people that loved them and wanted to help them. Both their families supported them, even if they seemed a little on edge when one or the other of them were around. It is great to see a film show something like mental illness and show that even if you deal with that, people will still have your back and that is so so important. And even though their families might not know the best ways to go about helping them, they try their hardest because they love them and want the best for them.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I understand Pat and Tiffany. No, I've never been married and lost my husband or been put into a mental hospital but, I have had my own struggles. I have suffered from depression and still do from time to time. I take anxiety medicine because I get anxious and overly emotional about the dumbest stuff. But, I have amazing family and friends to help me through it just like Pat and Tiffany do. It is wonderful that an honest movie was made about characters that felt like they were real people. This movie broke down walls and helped start conversations that needed to be started. Yes, it is a "comedy," but it's more than just the laughs it brings to people. It also brings hope and understanding to those suffering with and those trying to understand mental illness.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;">*Note: Silver Lining's Playbook is rated R for language and a little bit of sexual content.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">http://www.moviequotesandmore.com/silver-linings-playbook-quotes-1.html</span>mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-9589695115277970112014-02-11T16:10:00.003-08:002014-03-31T14:50:36.169-07:00(This one will probably make me lose some friends)<span style="background-color: black; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">I lead a small group for 11th and 12th grade girls at a church. I want them to see that they are </span><span style="line-height: 22px;">valuable because of who they are not who they are dating or who they are trying to be. It enrages me that our value system is on material things instead of matters of the heart. I want them to find something they are completely passionate about and run with it. Is it looking after little kids, or helping people with special needs, or getting clean water to countries that don't have it? Great, take your passion and run with it. Do something to show the world that your value and your worth are greater than anything the media can tell you. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;"><br /></span>
<span style="line-height: 22px;">The older I get the more I see how the church has fallen short of helping young women see their value, beauty, and their importance in the church. Last semester I took both Old and New Testament classes which meant I pretty much read the entire Bible in one semester. What I loved about these classes was that they taught what the Bible said not what the church teaches. I remember the day in New Testament when my professor addressed the "issue" of women in ministry. I got nervous because I was at a baptist college but he told us what the Bible said and what it meant. He said that in Acts it is written that women will prophecy. Then he proceeded to inform us that the word prophecy means to teach the word. He then said "So there you ladies go it says it in your Bibles. You will be preachers of the word." It says nothing about women's ministry or children's ministry it just says prophecy in Acts 2:17-18.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="line-height: 22px;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
"17. In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Your sons AND daughters will prophesy.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
your young men will see visions,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
your old men will dream dreams.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
18. Even on my servants, both men AND women, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I will pour out my spirit in those days,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and they will prophesy."</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
As a female who is being called into the ministry it was like finding a diamond in a coal mine. I have a passion to teach and lead teenagers in the church. Not just teenage girls either. I love kids but I don't have the patience to solely minister to them. I think women's ministry is a very important area in the church but I don't want to be the one responsible for dealing with all the drama that comes with being female. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I am incredibly lucky to have grown up in a church and with pastors that were very pro-women in the church. I had a female youth minister my last two years of high school, our intern was female, and we had a female pastor on staff that would preach during main services on a fairly regular basis. I have had a healthy view of women in the church because, growing up I was always surrounded by the most amazing women in ministry. And, in all honesty, it wasn't until it was recently pointed out to me how unfriendly the church can be towards women. I have always known it but it had never affected me until a few recent things happened in my life. Knowing what I know now and seeing they way women can be treated makes me even more grateful for the women I got to see preaching from a stage when I was younger. They are the reason I felt like I could go into ministry because I saw Julie preach on Sunday mornings and I heard Natalie and Julia teach on Wednesday nights. The male pastors I grew up with were very pro-women in ministry also. In fact I had never seen first hand opposition to women in ministry until recently and it disgusted me. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I know this blog will cause some people to disagree with me and to think I'm crazy. Some will think I am completely out of line, some will get infuriated at the things I have said but it is things that need to be said. It's not a popular stance to have on the subject and it might get me in trouble in some places but the fact is, if you read what the Bible says about women and their place in ministry, AND also do some research on the era and circumstances certain things were said under you will see what I am talking about. Also, that some things can not but taken at face value because you have to know what was going on in the church and the culture of the time the scripture was written.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
So that is my two cents. I would apologize if I made you angry but I honestly don't feel the need for it.</div>
mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-7375396914301215442013-11-27T16:15:00.001-08:002013-11-27T16:15:41.013-08:0013 for '13So it's Thanksgiving Eve and like probably most of the USA I am contemplating all that I am thankful for. I could have done the Facebook thing where I post once a day what I'm thankful for but I would forget and frankly I doubt any one cares unless they are tagged in the post. So here it goes, in a season that has become more somber than celebratory I'm going to try and change my outlook on this time of year. Instead of hoping that I'll wake up tomorrow morning or Christmas morning and life will be all unicorns and rainbows I'll be thankful for what is in my life. Because, lets face it, looking at the good in life is a lot healthier than being a Debbie Downer about the things I can't change. So here it goes, what I'm thankful for:<br />
<br />
<br />
1) I'm thankful to have a life where I can sit in my room and write this blog. A life where I have my own computer, car, room, phone, and bed. A life where I don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from or if I'll get what I want on Christmas. I'm thankful for a life that provides for me.<br />
<br />
2) I'm thankful for a school that doesn't give up on me and that gives me the kind of environment I need to succeed in. Yes, I make jokes about how DBU is the "christian Disneyland," and I am currently playing a game where I count how many mangers I find while walking around campus. (So far I've seen 3). And just like every one else at school I complain about having to go to chapel every week but despite all that I know that DBU is the place I need to be at. I am thankful for the faculty and the students.<br />
<br />
3) Although I am never really at my apartment I am thankful for my roommates. I was really nervous putting my name on the looking for roommates list but I knew God had it all under control. Alexa, Halee, Leah, and Ashley you are truly blessings in my life. Thank you for welcoming me into your apartment with open arms and making me feel like I am home. Thank you for your guidance and love that you have shown me. And thank you for always pointing me back to the Lord when I start to try and do things on my own.<br />
<br />
4) I am thankful for music and what it does for me. So many times there have been days when I didn't know if I was going to make it but I would put on my music and the perfect song would come on. "Music speaks where words fail" I don't know who said that but it's probably one the most true statements ever made. Any time I can't find the words to say I find a song that says it for me. I am also thankful that I have a wide variety of music to choose from. So when one genre, band, or artist isn't working I can go to another and find what I'm looking for.<br />
<br />
5) I am thankful for Drew, Jerome, Tim, Chad, and Jon. I am thankful that I got to see them 3 times this year and hang out with them for a few minutes each time. I am thankful that every time they see me they get just as excited as I am to see them. I am thankful that they made the most honest film I have truly ever seen and that they make the most honest music I will ever listen to. I am thankful for the friendships I have formed (and continue to form) with each one of them. They are such inspirations in my life and I look up to them so much. Thank you for being some of the most wonderful people I have ever had the privilege to call friends and always making time for me when I see you.<br />
<br />
6) I am thankful for a lifegroup full of people I can count on. It is interesting to think that I have only known these people for a year or less but I feel like I have known them for years. I know that I can share what is going on in my life with them and know they aren't going to sit there and try and tell me how to fix it or what an awful person I am for whatever it is. I am thankful to have a place where I can walk in (without knocking) and feel at home whenever I need to. (Seriously I'm over there more than my own house sometimes).<br />
<br />
7) Emily and Kaitie. I am so thankful to have both you lovely ladies in my life. You keep me sane in the chaos that we voluntarily got into. You carry me in my weak moments and celebrate with me in my strong moments. After working in the student ministry for almost 2 years with out having any females to really connect with it is such a breath of fresh air to have you 2 there on Wednesdays and Sundays to help keep me pumped up and positive. I love being able to come in on a Wednesday or Sunday and talk you girls before hand if I'm having a bad day. It is so great to be able to get all the negative out before going and leading group.<br />
<br />
8) To my junior and senior girls, you drive me crazy and I'm pretty sure you will be the reason for my heart attack one day I am so thankful for you girls. You keep me on my toes and keep me young haha. I love our group time and getting to have a time to know what is going on in your lives. You have blessed me so much over the past year and a half, more than you will ever know. You girls are the reason I am going into ministry. I love that we have a relationship where you are all comfortable sharing with not only me but every one else on Wednesday nights. I promise we will have a lifegroup outing soon. And yes, I know I say that all the time but I promise we will have one soon! I love you girls more than I could even begin to explain<br />
<br />
9) Ericka and Allison. What would I do with out both of you?! Seriously my life would be down the toilet if I didn't have you two. You both are my twins, my other halves, and my same brain. I can tell both of you exactly how I'm feeling or what weird crazy thought is going through my head and know that you both will know exactly what I'm talking about and how I'm feeling. I can call both of you at 3 am and know that you will answer or call me back when you get the message. And if I don't answer the phone you will call me until I answer to make sure I'm okay. (Yes, that as happened before.) How I got so lucky to have not one but TWO best friends like you ladies is beyond me. I guess God just knew I needed both of you in my life. I am so proud of both of you and where you are going with your lives. Both of you have had your share of struggles and points in life where you could have taken two different paths and both of you took the better and harder path. But it made y'all the people you are today and those are people that I am honored and blessed to call my best friends.<br />
<br />
10) Caroline, Rob, Sawyer, and Delia. It's crazy to think that 11 years ago I was a scrawny 7th grader going to 78 listening to Rob do series with themes such as The Simpsons and super heroes. It has been that long and it's been 11 years that I have been blessed to listen to Rob preach whether in student ministry or on stage as a teaching pastor. Oh, how time flies by! It's been 8 years since Caroline came to camp as a counselor and swore I hated her (which I DID NOT). It's crazy to think that 8 years later you have become one of my closest friends and someone that I always count on. I don't think that out of every one at Bear Valley I would've thought that I would still be in contact with, much less still be as close to, Rob and Caroline as I am. But I just keep following you guys around wherever you go and you haven't told me to go away yet so I'll keep following you guys until you tell me to stop. :) And your children are possibly the most amazing children on the face of the Earth. I feel honored that I have gotten to watch them grow up and be a part of their lives. They put smiles on my face and I'm so excited to see them and spend time with them when I get to. Thank you for letting me spoil your children and be apart of all of your lives.<br />
<br />
11) My sister, Sommer. Sometimes I still think she is really cool. Like to cool for me to hang out with and then she will do something just as strange as me and I remember that she's just like me. We seriously laugh at the weirdest things. And we do some of the weirdest things too, but we think they are hilarious so we do them anyway. I can't believe we got to see Hanson this year! Hanson! We've wanted to see them for 16 years! It was so much fun, and I'll still marry Taylor in a heart beat. Thank you for always having my back and protecting me (even though I am 24). I'm so happy that you don't have to go live in other places for like 6 months at a time anymore. Although Portland was awesome and I want to go back, but it's to far away and I didn't get to spend enough time up there when we came up. I'm so happy for you and Jonah (can't wait for him to be part of the family) and I'm so excited to be planning your up coming wedding!<br />
<br />
12) So I have a pretty badass family even if they drive me crazy some times. We are probably one of the most functional dis functional families around. Thanks for everything you do for me. Thanks mom for always going to Switchfoot shows with me and thanks dad for always talking music and art with me. Thanks Gram for always taking us on trips, cooking wonderful food, and doing pretty much everything for us. Thanks Grandma and PaPa for being the funniest grandparents ever pretty much. Thanks for your continuous support of me going to DBU and I hope I am making you proud Grandma. Going to your almamator and having almost the same major. I hope I can be as good as you in ministry. And thanks for not freaking out with I pierced my nose. I was kind of worried about that :)<br />
<br />
13) If you hadn't figured out yet I'm going least to greatest in some form or fashion<br />
(none of these are set in stone on their rank which should probably going 13-1 instead, except this one) in this list. So I am most thankful for a Savior that loves me unconditionally. With out a doubt Christ is the reason I have all the wonderful and beautiful people and things in my life. He never gives up on me even when I am being stubborn. He always knows what's best for me and even in the moments I question him, he continues to guide me and encourage me without a second thought. He put all the amazing people I have talked about in my life and has given me the life that I have so graciously been handed. He put that mountains soaring to the heavens and the oceans drifting off into the sunset. So thank you to God for your love, goodness, and truth. Without those things I would be nothing and I would have nothing.mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-27580601966908396662013-10-30T07:46:00.002-07:002013-11-01T10:26:49.016-07:00Don't Fall Down<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
My sister has been my best friend
since the day I was born. She has been there through thick and thin. She has
protected me from bullies, danger, and scary movies. She sings Celine Dion off
key and at the top of her lunges with me in the car. She laughs at my stupid
jokes and makes up stupid jokes with me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
See, my sister is
my best friend. So when she went off to college I missed her a lot. She wasn’t
there when I came home from school. I wouldn’t see her in the halls at school.
And I wouldn’t be able to knock on my bedroom wall to tell her I needed her.
For the first time in my entire life I was alone. Or I felt like I was alone.
To add to my sister leaving there was some leadership changes in my youth
ministry going on at the same time that did not go smoothly. The changes left
me feeling angry and unwanted.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
So I started
feeling sad. It was September 11, 2006. I thought it was just the day and the
heavy history behind it that was making me sad but when I got up on the 12<sup>th</sup>
I felt the same sadness. Then I felt it on the 13<sup>th</sup>, and the 14<sup>th</sup>,
and the 15<sup>th</sup>, and then it wouldn’t go away. I felt like I was
falling down this deep dark hole and I kept falling and the hole kept getting
deeper and darker. And I stopped seeing the light and I kept being sad and
lonely and angry.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
I couldn’t stop
feeling all these things. They wouldn’t go away. I was desperate not to feel
any of them. I was tired of feeling sad, lonely, and angry. I was desperate to
feel anything but those feelings. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
One day I turned
on the water way to hot. So hot you could see steam coming off the water. After
the initial burn I realized for that second I didn’t feel anything at all. I
felt numb. So I started doing that when I would feel overwhelmed with sadness,
loneliness, or anger. I would burn my hands. And for that moment I didn’t feel
anything. And feeling nothing was better then anything I had been feeling.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
Soon enough
burning my hands wasn’t enough and I started to think I wasn’t needed anymore.
I started thinking that the only way to stop these feelings was to go to bed
and never wake up. I would walk by the medicine cabinet and think, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
“What
would happen if I took everything inside here?” “Would I go to sleep and not
wake up?” “Would all this pain go away if I just swallowed a bunch of pills and
never woke up?’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
I started to scare
myself and I eventually took the scissors out of my room and hid them from
myself. I also avoided looking at the medicine cabinet when I went into the
kitchen.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: .5in;">
One night I was
laying on the floor in my room desperately looking for a feeling of anything
else (in all honesty I was thinking of different ways to kill myself) when a song stopped me in my tracks. I had my iPod on shuffle and I know
that in that moment God took control of it. Over the speakers came the song
Concrete Girl by Switchfoot. The lyrics rang out of the speakers like the most
beautiful sound ever made on Earth.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: 13.5pt; tab-stops: 27.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
“Concrete girl, don’t fall down. In this broken world around
you, don’t fall down my concrete girl.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: 13.5pt; tab-stops: 27.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
I started the song over and let the words soak in. I played
it over and over again. I decided that was not the night to end it all and that
I could make it to tomorrow. And I did. I made it to the next day and I
listened to the song over and over and I wrote the lyrics, “don’t fall down,”
on my hand. So every time I felt hopeless at school I could look down at my
hand, take a breath, and keep going. It was helping. The song was getting me
through the days and eventually just listening to any Switchfoot song would
help keep me going. Hearing Jon Foreman’s voice was peaceful and calming.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: 13.5pt; tab-stops: 27.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
On March 30,2006 Switchfoot was playing a show in Orlando.
That night Jon Foreman was photographed wearing a black shirt with white
writing. The writing said “To Write Love On Her Arms.” Like everyone else who
saw the picture I thought it was some new band but it wasn’t. A few days after
that show Switchfoot posted on their MySpace about what the shirt. All the post
said was that their friend Jamie had written a story and that everyone should
go read it so I did.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: 13.5pt; tab-stops: 27.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
The story called, To Write Love On Her Arms, was about a girl
named Renee who was suffering from depression, self-injury, addiction, and
thoughts of suicide. I couldn’t believe was I was reading, that this was really
a story, that someone had written about these things. People don’t write
stories about that kind of stuff and people certainly don’t talk about this
kind of stuff. But someone did. Jamie Tworkowski wrote about his friend Renee
Yohe, a real person going through all these things. I saw myself in Renee, I
understood her story.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: 13.5pt; tab-stops: 27.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
So I printed off the story and put it in a fold to carry
around at school. I wrote, “don’t fall down,” on my hand and I wrote, “love” on
my wrist. When it all got to be to much I would look at my hand, then my wrist,
listen to Concrete Girl, and read the story. When I was at school I would recite
the lyrics and certain lines from the story in my head. And as the days went on
and I would write on my hand and wrist and listen to the song and read the
story it got easier. Getting up got easier as did going to school and coming
home. I started to see the light where there was none and the deep dark hole
started to seem less dark and deep.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-left: 13.5pt; tab-stops: 27.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
I started to climb out and the first day of my senior year I
was completely out and miles away. I made it through. It wasn’t easy and it
wasn’t fun but I did it with the help of Switchfoot, TWLOHA, my youth group,
and my best friend Ericka. All of who have never given up on me. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGBct5uNdZI9bDmoSky6Hzkr5i7tz3nCngOQJX5tCDKMz91sV8zzRG3z05_jA42vIH7sFm_fkQz6T7y8uF5AxTWNiNSQtSqamL5SwvUcFyXErmF3qEP5RdtUXH9Efry1Z7PRtCM3aL5Iol/s1600/190300_1002784479844_980_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGBct5uNdZI9bDmoSky6Hzkr5i7tz3nCngOQJX5tCDKMz91sV8zzRG3z05_jA42vIH7sFm_fkQz6T7y8uF5AxTWNiNSQtSqamL5SwvUcFyXErmF3qEP5RdtUXH9Efry1Z7PRtCM3aL5Iol/s320/190300_1002784479844_980_n.jpg" width="227" /></a> Ericka, Gretchen, and I meeting Jamie. 2008</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI7LfpzC_kTVwL9L8zzorUph3DmX_N4emOsohyphenhypheng1VP6sGAkfRgelHqJ9sKDsVVqI6D6zt2arJA8hQaQkgEg0NUs9_w76eUDquVB4Q7GXYXSiiLy-rQvYHzhto358zTzYnoPfy76YEQLtI2/s1600/552857_3012714686843_1394397661_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI7LfpzC_kTVwL9L8zzorUph3DmX_N4emOsohyphenhypheng1VP6sGAkfRgelHqJ9sKDsVVqI6D6zt2arJA8hQaQkgEg0NUs9_w76eUDquVB4Q7GXYXSiiLy-rQvYHzhto358zTzYnoPfy76YEQLtI2/s320/552857_3012714686843_1394397661_n.jpg" width="320" /></a> Mama and I with Switchfoot April 2012 in Oklahoma City (concert 21)</div>
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<span style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.5in;"> I am perfectly fine with people teasing or thinking my "obsession" with Switchfoot is ridiculous. I'm okay with you not liking their music but please know that they truly mean the world to me. That they literally saved my life. They pulled me from the edge when I was preparing myself to fall over. I can say in all honesty that they are the reason I am alive today. That is why I will continue to listen to their music and see them when they are in town. Not only because I love their music but because it is a small way for me to continue saying thank you to them for helping me live my life instead of end it. They have become wonderful friends and people that I look forward to seeing every time they are in town.</span></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-56026709146408223752013-08-25T14:09:00.002-07:002013-08-25T14:09:47.299-07:00Nap time musingsSo I'm usually taking a nap at 3:00 on Sunday afternoons but I'm wide awake despite the lack of sleep I got last night. It's excitement and nerves about moving tonight. Anyway I figure with my mind racing while I try and sleep I might as well put it to use. So here is a Summer in review type thing.<br />
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When the summer started out I was kind of concerned. I had quit my job and was looking for a new one. (A decision I'm still trying to figure out if it was good or bad.) I was planning on moving to DBU in August and hadn't found a roommate. But despite all that I had a pretty great summer. I'll start with the last week of May. Even though I wasn't finished at work yet. May 25 I finally did something I had been saying I wanted to do for years. I always said if I got into DBU I would get my nose pierced as a kind of celebratory thing. So on May 25 I finally did it. My friend Travis went with me and I got a needle stuck through my nose. It didn't really hurt but it didn't feel to great either. But I love having it. It's kind of a way to show my independence and moving forward in my life. After that I said good bye to my kids at West Hurst which was hard. Saying good bye to the Bollinger's broke my heart. But I still keep in touch with them. It's going to be weird tomorrow not being at WH for the first day of school.<br />
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June came around and I was looking for a job all day everyday. It was exhausting. I got one at Macy's and I like it a lot so far. I wish I could get more hours and my legs kill me after my shifts but I like the people I work with a lot. They are very helpful and fun to be around. Emily started working with the youth. I was so excited because we were in desperate need of another college age girl leader. The last week of June was the busiest. Monday Sommer, Lisa, and I went to see Anberlin Acoustic at The Door. It was AMAZING!!!! There was maybe 300 people there so it was a very intimate show. They played my favorite songs and were all just hanging out after so we got to meet and get our picture take with 2 of them. They remind me of Switchfoot because they make you feel like you're the only person they want to talk to at that moment. They make you feel important and they are genuinely happy and excited to meet their fans. On Saturday mom, Sommer, and I went to see Switchfoot out at Celebrate Freedom. They FINALLY came back to Texas after a year!!! I always feel rejuvenated when I see them. They are the hope I need in my darkest moments. They bring me back to God.<br />
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That Sunday I left for San Antonio with the youth for mission trip. From June 30 - July 4. I was nervous because I didn't want to feel left out. I knew that I was there for the kids but I didn't want to feel left out by the other college leaders. I am very lucky that instead of feeling left out I felt very included. And I know that trip made me closer to Reed, Emily, and Travis which I am very thankful for. I was so proud of the students too. It was many of their first mission trip and everyone was incredibly involved. They were interacting with the kids and serving with no problems. It was so evident that God moved in the students and the kids they served that week. And that He moved in the leaders also, I was so proud of all of them.<br />
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<span style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">As July rolled around I didn't do that much except work. And hang out with Ericka when she came into town. (Which, was twice!!!!) I'm so happy she is back in Texas. She's in Abilene but it is so much closer than Michigan. It's so nice to know that she is only a few hours drive away. I got to see Allison a few times but not nearly as much as I wanted to. But I did get to see my Kaitie!!! I really wish she would just move to the Keller campus so that I could see her more but she won't. :-/ I love getting to talk to her and spend time with her. I wish I could see her more!</span></div>
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I spent most of my summer hanging out with Emily, Reed, Travis, and Tank. Getting to know them and getting closer to them. I had thought about going back to Vista, I felt I could probably do it this year but I decided I needed to find a job and get an apartment so I stayed home. I am happy I did because I think God was showing me new people I can count on. He was showing me that these four are great people and great friends and that I need them in my life. I am so happy that Emily and I have gotten so close this summer. She is wonderful and we think a lot a like. I know I can tell her things and she isn't going to judge me or think I'm (that) crazy. All four of these guys (and girl) have shown me nothing but unconditional love and acceptance. Thank you for being my friend and helping me see the world in different ways. You guys are great and I am very excited to see where the school year takes us all. I know I can go to any of them with a problem or concern and they will listen and help me in whatever way they can.<br />
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Now school is starting tomorrow and I am moving into an apartment on campus. I'm super nervous but excited. I have been waiting for this faze of my life to begin. It should have began a few years ago but it didn't. But if it had started a few years ago I wouldn't have met Travis, Emily, Reed, or Tank. I wouldn't lead a lifegroup in youth and I wouldn't have had the wonderful experiences that I did this summer. I am so thankful to Jamie for letting me lead in the student ministry. I love my girls so so much and it is such an honor to watch them grow into beautiful Godly women. Three of them even asked me to help baptize them this coming Wednesday. I know that no matter what amazing things I get to do this year, that getting be part of a total of four of my girl's baptisms this year will be the most important and life changing thing I do this year. No matter how many concerts, trips, or new experiences I have getting the honor of baptizing someone is the greatest thing I could ever do. I am honored and humbled that they want me to be apart of it. It is a great reminder that I am actually having a positive impact on these lovely ladies.<br />
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There are 4 months left in the year and a lot to do. Between work, school, and church I will be super busy but there are still some fun things happening. 2 Switchfoot concerts, Hanson (fingers crossed), vacation with Gram and Som, and finally the Justin Timberlake concert to round out the year. It will be good, I can feel it. New semester, new challenges, new people. Good thing I have a wonderful Father in Heaven and the great friends he has sent me to help me through all the craziness.mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-72497300587724654482013-04-05T11:47:00.001-07:002013-04-05T11:47:55.118-07:00It's good to have people you can count on.There are few people in this world that I feel I can be completely honest with. That I feel I can share whatever is going on in my life or whatever weird thought I have and know that they will still love me and care for me at the end of the day. I am incredibly thankful for these people because they are the ones that can get me through a day when it feels like the walls are closing in. These are a few of them.<div>
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First there is my beautiful sister Sommer. She has been my best friend since September 3, 1989. (That's my birthday for those of you who didn't put that together.) It is interesting though because we are nothing a like and exactly the same at the same time. She is the smart and athletic one and I'm the "I'm really good if I get a C" and artistic one. She graduated with a 4.0 GPA and Magna Cum Lada from UNT and has lived in Missouri, Oregon, and Washington. She is engaged to a great guy and will make a wonderful mother someday. She is that person I can be completely weird with and it's okay. I can be so mean to her and it's fine. And vice versa. I don't know how many times the phrase "I hate you" is muttered between the two of us. But it's all in good fun because I know she loves me and I know she would do anything for me. She understands me in a way that no one else does. We have that "sister thing" going on. If you have a sister and your close you will understand. It's unexplainable really. It just works. The hardest times I've ever had was when she moved away because there is something that makes us so close that having her away was almost like having a part of me gone too. I'm SO happy she is back and not going anywhere anytime soon! We have a wedding to plan anyway so she can't go anywhere. :)</div>
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Then there is Ericka. We met in Sophomore English in 2006. She had just moved to town from Michigan and she started hanging out with me and another girl in class. Our Junior year we had Algebra and English together. The first day of school we were both relieved to see each other in math because that meant we had someone to talk to. Little did we know that class and our English class would form a bond that still has not broke. Ericka was there for me in my darkest moments in life. She was my anchor and my light. She helped keep me going. And even though our Senior year we grew apart for a time we still had each others backs. I was afraid that when she moved back to Michigan to go to school that we would loose touch but we didn't. Our friendship could be the poster for making a long distance friendship work. We both had to put in effort. We would talk on the phone and Skype as much as we could to keep in touch. When she came home it was like nothing had changed we just pick up right where we left off. And I got the honor to be one of her Maids of Honor in her wedding last June. She has turned into this beautiful women who is now going to be in grad school at ACU! Which means she is coming home!!! I don't care that it's Abilene because Abilene is a whole let closer than Mt. Pleasant, Michigan. I don't know how much longer I could have gone with her living there. She has always been there for me when I needed her. Even in the middle of the night she is there for me.</div>
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Then there is Rob and Caroline Carmack. </div>
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I've known Rob since I was an awkward 13 year old. It wasn't until the summer before I went into high school that I feel our relationship really started. I knew him, he was my youth minister, sometimes we would talk but I didn't really know him. That summer on the way to Jackson, MS, while we were there, and on the way back I was in his van. I sat in the middle seat on the front back row. It was a really fun trip because I spent most of my time talking to him and getting to know him. The more we talked the more I realized what we had in common. We both love music and reading. He has given me many wonderful book and music recommendations over the years. On the way home from Jackson he was practically the only person I talked to (or really wanted to talk to). After that he wasn't just my youth pastor he was my friend. And although we hit a rough patch my junior year we managed to repair our friendship and it is still fully intact today. I have heard him preach for 10 years and every time I hear him I learn something new. He has helped me in my relationship with God and helped me keep my faith on many occasions. The older I get the fact that Rob was the person I asked to baptize me has become more meaningful. He is one of the most influential people in my life. And yes, I know that can be a little scary. :) He has a wonderful way with words whether he is preaching onstage or writing it down. It has been such a privilege to see him go from a college student/ youth minister to a teaching pastor at a church. And from a bachelor to a husband to a father. I'm proud of him and honored to call him my friend.</div>
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I met Caroline when I was a Sophomore. She came to be a small group leader at a youth retreat called Overtime and then was a sponsor at Impact Camp 2006. But I didn't really get to know her until after her and Rob got married. She likes to say that I hated her when we first met but that is NOT true at all! So if she says that to you don't believe her. She started meeting my friend Kaitlin and I for coffee, lunch, or dinner about once a week. We would talk about our weeks and the more we got to know each other the more I loved her. She is sweet, compassionate, caring, kind, genuine, and hilarious. She is also a wonderful mother to the two most precious babies in the world, who also happen to be my favorite kids on this planet. Through the craziness of having a baby and a 3 year old she manages to still make time for me. Whether we go get a cup of coffee (which I actually drink now), grab lunch, or go to a movie I love hanging out with her. I've never thought of her as a preacher's wife. She has always just been my friend Caroline. And I am so happy she is my friend. The summer of 2010 was easily the worst summer I have had. My parents separated and I lost my job all in the same week. The nigh I lost my job I texted her and she met me so we could talk. She is my big sister when Sommer is away living in cool places like Washington and Oregon and she always makes sure I have a wonderful birthday. I've said it many times but I'm going to say it again because it is very true. I am incredibly happy that Rob married you Caroline. Our coffee/lunch/movie dates are some of the highlights of my weeks when we get to do them.</div>
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Rob and Caroline, you are wonderful people and parents. I say it all the time but it's true Sawyer and Delia are so lucky to have you two as parents. And I am lucky and grateful to have you as friends. You guys have helped me through so much in my life and I look up to you both a lot. I hope you know that I love both of you very much and I am happy to babysit and watch your dogs whenever you need me to. Thank you for being my friend.</div>
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So those are a few people that matter to me and that I can be completely myself with. They are wonderful people and I am so blessed to call them friends and most of all family.</div>
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mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-90537684242543422262013-04-01T09:43:00.000-07:002013-04-01T09:47:31.703-07:007 years and a Savior.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This picture turned 7 years old Saturday. This picture saved my life 7 years ago. You see I was in a really dark place in my life. I was extremely depressed and couldn't find my way out. Then Jon Foreman (pictured above) of Switchfoot wore this shirt with a funny saying at a concert and this photo was posted on their myspace page with a link to a story by the same title as the shirt. I went and read the story and was moved. I saw myself in the story. The story is about a girl named Renee and she was suffering from depression, addiction, self-injury, and had attempted suicide. The story was about the 5 day rehab her friends had put together before she could enter treatment. It was about the love that surrounded her and how her friends took her in and loved on her and made her realize her worth and that she was not alone. They didn't judge her or tell her she was a horrible person. They helped her. </div>
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7 years ago a movement was started unintentionally. 7 years ago a musician wore a shirt on stage and told people to read a story because it was a story that needed to be shared with the world. 7 years ago a MySpace page was created to give people updates on Renee's recovery and it gave people hope. 7 years ago Renee Yohe was at the darkest point in her life and she got out. She made it through and she inspired people on the way. 7 years ago I was 17 and so close to giving up I had to remove sharp objects from my room and I avoided looking at the medicine cabinet. But then I read this story and I changed my mind. I thought that if Renee could get through all these things and survive and come out a better person so could I. So I kept going. I kept reading the story and listening to Switchfoot and I got better. Each day I got a little closer to the end of the tunnel and I would eventually be completely on the other side. 7 years ago To Write Love On Her Arms, Switchfoot, and my best friend Ericka saved my life. I can honestly say that I would not be here today if it were not for them. They gave me hope and the strength to survive. 7 years ago I didn't want to be alive. 7 years ago I wanted to give up and stop trying. But 7 years ago Renee started to fight. 7 years ago Renee decided to live and get help. 7 years ago Renee's story showed me that I can go on, that I can survive, that this world is beautiful and that there is so much more living to be done. Thank you Renee Yohe, Jamie Tworkowski, To Write Love On Her Arms, Jon Foreman, Ericka Mason, and Switchfoot. I don't know where I would be with out all of you.</div>
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Yesterday was Easter. Yesterday we celebrated the Savior who gave his life for ours. He is Risen. He is King. He gave his life for me so that I could live with him eternally. That is a remarkable and beautiful thing that I am still trying to wrap my head around. Why would he do that for me? It's incredibly overwhelming and a hard concept to grasp. Why? Why does he want me? I kept asking. Then I was reminded why. I lead a LIFEgroup in the student ministry at FOTP. I absolutely love doing it. I love the girls and I love hanging out with them. I love being a positive influence in their lives. But, I always had the doubt in the back of my mind that I wasn't doing them any good. But then last Wednesday I got to have one of the most amazing honors I could have ever gotten. One of my girls asked me to help baptize her. Wow! I was so honored and blessed that she wanted me to be apart of it. It was an amazing thing. I have watched this girl change and grow so much these last few months. I had hoped that I was having a positive affect on her life and this definitely helped me see that. Then another girl who isn't even in the life group I lead told me she looked up to me. It was an honor and scary at the same time. It is wonderful to know that I am being used to further the kingdom of God.</div>
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There is a beauty in the fact that TWLOHA day and Easter happened to be back to back this year. How wonderful to celebrate life given to me in an overwhelmingly beautiful weekend.</div>
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So this weekend I celebrated the ones that saved my life. My wonderful Savior who gave his life for me so that I could live and show others how wonderful he is. And To Write Love On Her Arms, the organization that gave me hope when I literally had none. So thank you my wonderful Father in Heaven for sending your son for me and thank you To Write Love On Her Arms for showing me there is light at the end of the tunnel.</div>
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<br />mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-78258308589567443482013-03-18T09:52:00.000-07:002013-03-18T11:30:45.796-07:00Thoughts on Proverbs 6:16-19So here at DBU you get a lot of church.<br />
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You have to go to chapel twice a week (freshmen go 3 times), there are verses all over campus (which can be refreshing on a rough day), and the professors incorporate scripture into class in some class periods.<br />
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One day a professor I had shared Proverbs 6:16-19. It is the six things the Lord hates and 7 that are detestable. They are things like lying, shedding innocent blood, false witnesses, and being arrogant. I really liked the verse but what my professor said right after he read the first shocked me.<br />
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He said, "Interesting that gay marriage and abortion are not on the list."<br />
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I kind of sat there with my mouth open for a second because I couldn't believe a professor at DBU would say something like that. He went on to say that God does not like those things either but that God is more concerned with what is in a person's heart. Which, I completely agree with but I still shocked that at a very conservative school a would hear someone say that.<br />
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It's true though when you think about it. I know homosexuality is a sin and abortion is not necessarily right but that is not my place to judge. As a Christ Follower my job is to try and represent Christ as best was I can. And the way that I am supposed to do that is by loving every person I come into contact with and not judging them no matter what they have done in their lives. I am not God nor will I ever be so I have absolutely no right to judge a person or call a person out or tell someone they are going to Hell because of something they have done. It is not my job it is God's job to judge and thanks be to Him for being more merciful to us than we are to each other. Because if God treated us like we treat each other at times no one would be in Heaven.<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">16 These are the six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">17 haughty eyes,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">a lying tongue,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">hand that shed innocent blood,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">18 a heart that devises wicked schemes,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">feet that are quick to rush into evil,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">19 a false witness who pours out lies</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">dissension among brothers. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: left;">If these are the things that God hates then these are the things that I need to stay away from. I hate violence so murdering someone is going to be easy to steer clear of and I don't really try and hatch evil plans but some of these are harder. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: left;">Everyone can be haughty or arrogant at times. When you do something good or someone does something you judge as bad or they don't have what you do. I'm guilty of doing that at times because I'm human. I like nice things and there are times when I start being arrogant and feel above people what don't have the things I have and that's when I have to check myself and get back to reality. I was not given anything freely. Nothing is mine it is all God's. Every peace of clothing, my computer, my phone, my iPod, my car, you get the picture. So when I start feeling about someone I have to remember that everything single thing I have is a gift from God.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: left;">It can be so easy to lie. In fact, we all do it all the time and don't really ever think anything about it. Today I was definitely on Facebook and Twitter during class and only half listening. Now my professor never asked me what I was doing but I basically lied to him by not giving my full attention to him. Lying is part of our culture. We see it all the time. Go to the grocery store and look at jut the cover of a magazine. It is ridiculous the things that are printed. Bold faced lies, literally someone just making things up about people. And we think it's okay because we have seen it for years. I know that the people on magazines are celebrities and are in the spot light so they shouldn't be surprised when their picture shows up on a magazine cover with a completely made up headline but they are still people. They are human beings like you and I are and if someone where to do that to us we would be incredibly angry. And people do that to us, it's called the rumor mill OR gossip. No one is perfect so why do we take pleasure in saying false things about them when we wouldn't want them said about us. I'm not out of the clear in </span><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: left;">this either. As a person (and a female) I do gossip and join in gossip but I need to stop myself from doing it because it is not fair to anyone to be talked about behind their backs.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; text-align: left;">So I have some work to do. And so does everyone else on the planet because we are not perfect. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify;">"We are all broken people." - Jamie Tworkowski</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify;">That is one of my favorite quotes because it is incredibly true. So I need to remember that next time I get arrogant, or judge someone, or start talking behind some one's back. I am broken just like every other person on this planet. And because I am broken I can only try and love everyone despite our differences or whether or not I agree with their lifestyle/decisions.</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify;"><br /></span></span>mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-20444223788156060322013-03-04T09:34:00.004-08:002013-03-04T09:35:17.224-08:00DBUSo I've been at DBU for about half a semester. It's been going great so far. I still have some motivation issues but nothing like when I was at TCC. I really feel like when I move over here it'll be a lot easier for me to concentrate. When I'm here I'm focused. I do my work and go to class. But when I'm at home I still don't feel any motivation to do anything regarding school. I just want to sit around and do other things. When I'm at school everyone around me is here for the same reason I am so it's easy for me to study because everyone else is studying too. At home I'm the only one and there are so many distractions between the television, books, my phone, Facebook, and Twitter that the last thing I want to do is anything that has to do with school. I don't want to screw this up. I've been trying to get over here for 4 years and I'm not going to do the same crap I've been doing. It's not a community college it's a university. I can't screw around here. I wish I was over here everyday because I know that would help but I don't have the money to buy gas to come over here everyday. I can barely afford to come over here 3 days a week.<br />
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I feel like not being over here is keeping me from meeting people and joining in on the "college experience." There is always things going on on campus but they all start at like 9:30 and I'm not driving all the way over here and then all the way home to Fort Worth at 2 am. It's like everyone has their friends and I'm just sitting here trying to get through the day. Don't get me wrong I am SO incredible happy to be over here and I love being on campus but it does get lonely. And with DBU being such a small school it's like every one has their groups and I just have to figure out where I fit in.<br />
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I know this is where I'm supposed to be. Everything fell into place way to perfectly. I know it was all God doing it. I am trusting that this is where I am supposed to be because nothing happens that perfectly without God having something to do with it. I just have to keep going and see where I get to.mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-77848042421823276502013-01-11T17:24:00.002-08:002013-01-11T17:24:38.989-08:00When friendships turn one sided.I was going to wait until I could talk about my first week at DBU but I had other things on my mind.<br />
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Friendship is an interesting thing. Sometimes you don't choose your friends. Sometimes they just happen with out warning. You meet someone and the next thing you know your attached at the hip and spending every waking second with them. Other times you might take a little while to get to know the person more. They didn't give off a good impression the first time you met and it left a bad taste in your mouth so they had to work at it. Or you thought they were to cool or pretty to be your friend and that they would never want to be friends with someone like you. Any way you make a friend the relationship with them is work, you can't just sit around and do nothing and expect an outcome.<br />
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I don't have that many friends. I would rather have a few close friends than a thousand not-so-close friends. Since I don't have many friends I cherish the relationships I do have. No, I'm not always the best friend I could be but that is part of being human. And part of friendship is forgiving when someone screws up or makes you upset.<br />
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Since I don't have many friends when I feel like one is starting to fade away it cuts me deeper than if I had a million friends. When I feel like the relationship is going from a two-way street to a one-way it hurts me deeply. Part if it comes from the fact that I feel things very deeply. So when I feel like someone is upset with me or decides that my friendship is not as important anymore it hurts deep.<br />
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I understand people grow apart and that has happened to several of my friendships but usually it involves both parties drifting apart not one person and the other still trying to remain in contact. And I understand being busy and having things to do. I get busy too but it takes effort to make a friendship work and when it feels like only one person is putting in any effort it makes the days when loneliness and despair take over so much longer.<br />
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Holidays are incredibly tough these days. They are a reminder of what was and what is now and those are the times when I need friends the most. And lately it feels like I only have 2 or 3 people that care anymore. I love those people with all my heart but there are times when you need one specific person. That one person who you can look at and say exactly what you're thinking and they will listen and even if they don't understand they remain empathetic. There are so many times when I think "I just need [insert name here] and it'll all be okay. If I just talk to them I know I'll feel so much better." But when the only time we talk is whenever I text them it makes me feel like I'm never going to feel any better and like they could care less about our friendship.<br />
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I know that people meet new people and become friends and that is a beautiful thing but it doesn't mean you drop your old friends. I don't want this to seem like I only want people to be friends with me and have no other friends because that IS NOT and will NEVER be the case. I know that my friends need other people to talk to and be there for. I'm not going to understand every situation they get in but someone else will and they will be the perfect person to talk to about that. I just get tired of hearing "I'll let you know" and then never hearing anything. I hate getting a text saying "I miss you" only after I have said it first. Like they are only saying it because they feel obligated or sorry for me.<br />
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I don't let things go easily and sometimes that can be a bad thing but I feel like friendship is different. Especially when it is someone who knows so much and has been through so much with you.<br />
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So what do you do when you feel like your friendship is becoming one sided?<br />
What do you do when the only time you talk is when you talk first?<br />
What do you do when you only want to talk to one person but you're not even sure they want to talk to you or will even answer the phone when you call?<br />
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<br />mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-32143405608648292982012-12-24T08:03:00.002-08:002012-12-24T08:03:52.652-08:00Some thoughts on ChristmasI haven't written on this thing in over a month. I try to make it an, at least, once a month venture but I've had major writers block lately and haven't been able to do write ANYTHING including the stuff I need to for school. But I figure I have a few thoughts so I might as well attempt to get them out in some way.<br />
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It's Christmas time. We all survived the end of the world (again) and now in 15 1/2 hours it will officially be Christmas. And yet it seems like the "Spirit of Christmas" has been almost lost amongst everyone this season. It doesn't feel like Christmas really at all. I know its December 24th but it just feels like another day out of the year. I know I am not the only person who feels this way. It is hard to feel like it's a joyous time when every time I turn on the television or get on Facebook there is news of another tragedy and another family that has lost a loved one to soon. This is a time for us to celebrate the birth of our Savior yet death has overshadowed such a beautiful time of the year and the dark is trying desperately to cover the light.<br />
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This time of year has been hard for the last 3 years. It's the 3rd Christmas that everything is wrong. I had never had to deal with the hurt and heartache that the holidays bring to some people most of my life. I was lucky that I had, what I thought was, a pretty solid home. When people would talk about how the holidays were not the best time of year for them I didn't understand because I had never known of any pain to be associated with them. But now I understand and once again I am in the position of feeling like a naive child hoping that I will wake up tomorrow morning to a family that is no longer broken. But I'm an adult which means I have to deal with this situation in an adult way. I have to pick myself up and go on with my days with the reality that that is not going to happen, as least not this year. But I still have a glimmer of hope. When my parents start talking in the car on the way home from Gram's and they are laughing and joking it feels like I'm a kid again. But I can't let that get my hopes up to much, there is to much that can go wrong for just that moment to make me feel happy. But, I'm not going to hold onto it very firmly because I know that would be stupid of me.<br />
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So on the eve of what is supposed to be a joyous day I have a heavy heart. Not only for what is going on in my family but for every person who is dealing with pain and loss this holiday season. I pray that we find peace in whatever it is we are dealing with and that the pain will not overshadow the true meaning of Christmas.<br />
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The birth of a Savior. How wonderful is that? What a beautiful thing that is! There was a man born, the Son of God, and he was sent to rescue us all. And tomorrow we celebrate that day by being with family and praising the wonderful Heavenly Father for all he has done for us.<br />
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I hope your Christmas Eve and day are filled with joy and hope and not pain and suffering. I hope that for at least one day all the hurt can stop and that we can all be peaceful to one another. I pray that for one day we can celebrate a wonderful occasion and that when I turn on my computer or the TV that it won't be rattled with stories of hate. But instead stories of hope and peace. I know it's a lot to ask but that is my prayer.<br />
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Have a wonderful holiday and please remember why we celebrate it. It's not to get presents or eat more food than the human body should ever consume. It's about Jesus. It always has been and always will be. Remember that.mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-78279322152260458592012-10-04T10:12:00.002-07:002012-10-04T10:13:45.683-07:00questions, answers, and life changes.Through out the last few months I have had A LOT of questions. Mainly revolving around decisions I have made. Specifically whether or not my decision to leave Vista was good or not. I went back and forth on it through out the summer. Did I leave for good reason? Was it a huge mistake? So many questions everyday through August. I knew why I left and I knew that I had a good reason but there is always that thought in the back of your head that creeps in and makes you question your decisions.<br />
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It seems that those thoughts are creeping in more and more. I'm starting to second guess everything I do. Should I have dropped that class? Does that make me a failure? I feel like I think I have so much pressure to go to school that I stress myself out when I don't need to. In reality I go to school because I know that is the only way for me to get a successful job. If I didn't fear not being able to get a job I probable wouldn't be in school. It's that simple. I'm not good at school. I can think of a million different things I would rather do than go to school. But I'm not going to get paid for laying around my house all day. And, as much as I love my job, I do not want to work extended day the rest of my life.<br />
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I know the things I need to do. I'm going to start reading my Bible and find a devotional to do to keep me on track. I can't tell my girls to read their Bibles if I'm not doing it myself. I'm going to start taking care of myself. Actually making dinner, healthy dinner, not just mac n' cheese. I need to start exercising too. I'm so incredibly lazy. I'm only taking online classes so I have time to do all of this stuff.<br />
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I keep having all these questions but I'm not doing anything to answer them so it's time to start. I am a leader in the youth at church but I don't practice what I preach. I'm becoming a hypocrite and it needs to stop. I can't say "read your Bible and pray everyday" if I don't do it myself. I know if I start leaning on God and reading His word many of these questions will be answered so I am going to start doing it.<br />
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So did I leave Vista for a good reason? Yes. I was not going to be a good counselor in the mindset that I was in. I was exhausted and not emotionally set to be counselor in that time. I questioned whether or not I should have left almost every day I was home. The times that I didn't question for one second if I was supposed to be home was when I got to see Delia two days after she was born. I knew the second I got to hold her that I was exactly where I needed to be in that moment and that I would have been incredibly sad if I had had to wait to meet her. Rob, Caroline, Sawyer, and (now) Delia have become incredible important people in my life and that was a moment that I did not want to miss. The other time that I was certain when I got to go to youth camp with FOTP. I needed to hear what Afshin had to say. I needed to meet those girls that I lead and I needed to meet Kaitie who was my other wonderful co-leader.<br />
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I still think of Vista at times. I do miss it and the people that I met. I don't know if I will be back there next summer but I know it was a place that changed me through the 2 weeks I worked there.<br />
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Now it is time to make my schedule and start answering the questions that I haven't answered yet.mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-22109527551822737612012-08-28T22:25:00.001-07:002012-08-28T22:25:28.205-07:00Visiting my sister.3 weeks ago my Gram and I went up to Vancouver, Washington to visit my sister. She spent the summer up there working. Vancouver is on the border of Washington, the Columbia River separates it from Oregon (Portland to be exact). We drove across the bridge and into a different state more times in 4 days than I have in my entire life.<br />
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The trip was great. I missed my sister so much I was so happy to see her. I am also very happy that she got to spend the summer in Washington because it was one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. The day we flew in we drove up to Mt. St. Helen's. The drive was amazing and the volcano was astounding. It is amazing that 30 years ago it literally blew up. The top blew and a huge chunk blew off spewing ash and poisonous gas up to 5 miles away. They are markers on the road saying when we are either entering or leaving the "blast zone" as they call it.<br />
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I took this picture on my phone as we were driving up to the observatory. I didn't zoom in at all. We were that close! (Just instagrammed it some). It was quite beautiful and it is still an active volcano. So it could erupt at any time. Knowing that fact made it kind of erie being up there and a little scary but the beauty of it over shadowed the fear.</div>
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The next day we spent the entire day in Portland. We started out at Voodoo Doughnuts, if you ever go to Portland you have to get one the wait is worth it I promise! We waited in line for about 45 minutes probably but like I said it was worth it! After that we went to Powell's book store. It is the largest new and used bookstore in the world. It is 3 stories and they have maps for the store to help you get around. They even have an app for your phone to help you know where you were. We only got to be in there for about 40 minutes but it was amazing. It is one of those places that you have to plan on spending a day or at least a few hours in. After that we went to the mall in downtown. After the mall we went to this place called The Grotto. No, not like Hugh Hefner. It is this place that is (I think) maintained by the Catholic church. If it is not maintained by the Catholic church there is just one on the property. It is gardens and sculptures of Jesus all around. The church was beautiful and they held services outside also. It was a very peaceful place.</div>
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Since we didn't eat lunch until about 3 o'clock none of us were that hungry so we went to the store and got some junk food. Needless to say Som and I went a little crazy at the store. We felt like we were little again spending the night at Gram's getting to buy and eat all this food we weren't aloud to have at home.</div>
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So this was our "dinner."</div>
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Saturday we went to the Seaside beach in Seaside, Oregon. It took about an hour and a half drive through the forest to get there. When we got there they were having the biggest junior volleyball tournament in the country so the beach and the town were packed! The beach was huge! It was the biggest beaches we had ever been on. It took a long trek through dry sand to get to where high tide came in and the water was still a ways away. We on put our feet in the water because it was freezing! (and none of us wore a bathing suit) But it was worth the trip. I love the pacific. I've only been in it twice. Once in Canada and then in Oregon the next step will be in California. The town was a cute seaside community. There were loads of shops and put put type places. It reminded me of a small town you would see in a movie. We also went to the Vancouver farmers market. There were so many different tables set up with fruits and veggies and flowers. They would make you a huge bouquet of flowers for 10 dollars! I wanted to get some but since we left Monday it wouldn't have been worth it. </div>
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Sunday we went on a tour of Portland and the waterfalls in Oregon. Multnomah Falls is one of the most amazing places to experience in the world and has water falling from 620 feet! We saw 4 falls but Multnomah was definitely the most stunning of them all. We also stopped at a view point that showed the Columbia River Gorge which is a body of water that separates two states (this one being Washington and Oregon). Our tour guide pointed out that you could see the house where they filmed the prom scene from Twilight from the view point. When we got back in the car she asked if Som and I wanted to go try and find it so we did. It wasn't hard to find at all. Unfortunately they had a fire not long after filming the movie so no one lives there. (It was a bed and breakfast). But we walked around and figured out where the gazebo would have been. I even looked up the scene on YouTube to make sure we had the right house, which we did. It was really cool and definitely a high light of the trip. We toured Portland and learned about the history of the city and some weird Oregon state laws. Like that you get fined if you pump your own gas or try and tip the gas pumper person.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdUplojFzA7ftfY7CyAqXFEx1HOwzJNZSzSG3mstzKz5xup8rWPSYgzWV2peHlJzXdgPEckv6eff4Yx0NfBuwRU9_-s7iHFnhZOjtLR99uFhtsr_1lqnMypaFRR1L0dyQTi3-qxHW0w1u1/s1600/IMG_0807.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdUplojFzA7ftfY7CyAqXFEx1HOwzJNZSzSG3mstzKz5xup8rWPSYgzWV2peHlJzXdgPEckv6eff4Yx0NfBuwRU9_-s7iHFnhZOjtLR99uFhtsr_1lqnMypaFRR1L0dyQTi3-qxHW0w1u1/s320/IMG_0807.JPG" width="236" /></a></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTKoVw1G-nULc1u-LG9LRrzrKwz-plrjCg-JoqhTMjMAbhyAy_7lCk01c9cW9KXZ1wcX31HiuJTiuAiOiXcAemZTTLn3791jh84nhCS18PgpT4CzRclIAhqogwh4NgTiAeQRwGPQ4oO45V/s1600/IMG_0805.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTKoVw1G-nULc1u-LG9LRrzrKwz-plrjCg-JoqhTMjMAbhyAy_7lCk01c9cW9KXZ1wcX31HiuJTiuAiOiXcAemZTTLn3791jh84nhCS18PgpT4CzRclIAhqogwh4NgTiAeQRwGPQ4oO45V/s320/IMG_0805.JPG" width="320" /></a>Multnomah Falls. The Twilight House.<br />
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Sunday night, our last night, we went to Beaches which is a restraunt in Vancouver. After dinner we walked along the boardwalk and watched the sunset along the Columbia River. It was a perfect night with perfect weather.</div>
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Unfortunately we had a 6 AM flight Monday morning so that was the end of our trip. I didn't want to leave. I fell in love with Vancouver and Portland and I loved spending time with my sister. I miss you so much and I can not wait for her to come home. 2 more months! </div>
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It was a great trip and I am so happy I got to see my sister finally after almost 4 months.</div>
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<br />mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-46083299428677455382012-07-20T20:25:00.002-07:002012-07-20T20:25:52.623-07:00Light and DarkThis world is full of light and dark or heavy and light which ever way you feel like putting. There is the literal sense of the night sky and the day sky or a feather and a car but it is also in other things.<br />
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Everyday there is life and death. Sometimes death can be light. Someone going home to be with the Father or a pet being put out of agony. But it can also be very dark. Like what happened in Colorado in the wee hours this morning.<br />
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When things like what happened in Colorado happen it makes people reflect on their lives and for a few moments think of all the things they are thankful for instead of all the things they want to change. I don't want to dwell on what happened today in Colorado. I feel like the news does that enough and I wish only peace and comfort for the victims and their families and for the person responsible to get the proper help that they need. Repeating everything that has already been said is only making the people that already lived it have to re-live it again. That is not fair to make them re-live a horrific moment in their lives just for the sake of ratings.<br />
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So onto the light.<br />
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Today is my cousin's 8th birthday. I spent Wednesday and Thursday with him and his sister. Wednesday we went to see the movie <i>Brave</i> and Thursday we went skating at Roller World. It is interesting for me to see him grow. Two summers ago I watched him and his sister for the summer. He was turning 6 that year and going into first grade. Now he is turning 8 and going into 3rd grade. Crazy how times flies by you. He and his sister haven't had the easiest past 3 years. But despite all the obstacles he has had to face he is still an 8 year old boy. He loves Avengers, baseball, reading, roller blading, and Justin Timberlake (yeah, that last one is my fault). He has an imagination that runs wild. He loves to tell stories and he will one day, be a pro baseball player and rockstar and make a lot of money (at least that is what he told me the last time I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up). I love talking to him because his imagination is so extensive and we are a lot alike. I swear when I would watch him play baseball, it was like looking at a mini me in the outfield because, he was the kid spinning in circles singing his own little tune and messing with his hat. He is a great kid and I am excited to see who he grows into being as he gets older.<br />
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The world is filled with light and dark or heavy and light.<br />
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Everyday something dark/heavy happens. Whether it makes the news or not it still happens. Whether it is in Colorado, Mexico, Pakistan, or Texas it happens. It is horrible and I do not like that every single day there is hate and violence in this world and that people think it is okay.<br />
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On the flip side, everyday something light happens. There is a little hope brought into this world. Whether it is an 8 year old's birthday or the birth of a beautiful baby girl last week. Everyday something happens to give me hope for a better tomorrow. Another year on this Earth to make it a better place. Another child brought into this world to two of the most loving and accepting people I have ever had the privilege of calling friends. (Miss Delia you are one lucky lady to have Rob and Caroline as your mama and daddy. They will love you to the ends of the Earth and back and give you the most amazing home you could ever thank God for.)<br />
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I hope that one day the light will cover the dark. That we will someday see that violence, hate, intolerance, racism, discrimination, and bigotry will get us no where good in life. I hope that we can see that love, acceptance, peace, grace, mercy, and hope are the greatest things we can give to each other. Where does hate take you? No where good. But, hope soars across the skies and the oceans like a rainbow after a storm with vibrant colors only seen by the heart.<br />
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I hope peace and acceptance is brought to those who need it. I hope love, grace, mercy, and hope are found to those who have been searching for it.<br />
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When dark things happen. When the only thing on television is the horrors that people do to each other, try to find something light. Whether it is the story of someone doing something selfless or a picture or a puppy. Or an 8 year old's birthday or the birth of a beautiful baby. There is so much good happening in the world. Go find it. And keep those who are stuck in darkness for whatever reason close to your hearts and prayers for they need them just as much or more than any one else.mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6119703305302734834.post-77231692938694250022012-07-01T16:30:00.001-07:002012-07-01T16:30:13.202-07:00I need to stop avoiding my journalI've been avoiding my journal. Not this but my small one. The one that I have as half prayer and half just regular journal. I know if I get it out I'll have to unload all that has happened in a more real sense than I have done so far. I guess I can't ignore it forever. I have so many thoughts going on in my head that it is driving me crazy and I have to get them out or I'll go crazy.<br />
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I haven't found a job and I knew coming home the likelihood of my finding one was slim to none. I have applied at every place in the area and gotten 2 rejections so far. But it's okay I'll get through it.<br />
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Now I'm in the car almost to Houston with my mom. She's dragging me on this work trip. I will get paid which is nice but I wasn't really given an option. I was just told I was going. But whatever it'll be fine and I'll survive.<br />
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I'm surprised at how much I miss Vista. I really miss being there. But I know I made the right decision. I was no good to anyone without getting a descent amount of sleep. I can only hope and pray that it is in my plans for the future to return and show that not only do I want to be there but also that I can be the best counselor I can be. I do miss it a lot. I miss the people and the community and the scenery. But like I said I know it was all for the best and I can hope to one day return.<br />
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So the GPS is saying we should be at our hotel by 6:58 and it is 6:20 now so maybe I should put my computer up so I don't have to hassle with it when we get there. It's a 2 day trip. We are working Monday and Tuesday and leaving Tuesday evening. Hopefully sometime before 6 (or even 5 for that matter) but either way I'll survive 2 days and getting paid even if I would rather not have to come. It'll be fine. Just got to keep a positive attitude and my head above water.<br />
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I really miss Switchfoot. I realize this is a very random thing to say since it really seems to have nothing to do with what I've typed above but it's true. I always feel so much better after I see them. We saw them in April but I really want to see them now. I guess I got spoiled last summer getting to see them 3 times. It's pretty amazing that they have been my favorite band for almost 10 years and their music has never gotten old to me. Even the old stuff. I still listen to The Beautiful Letdown when I get really stressed or depressed. There is something about hearing their music that makes me relax. I can feel my whole body relax when I put on their music. They are great and I won't go on a tangent on how much I love them and how much they mean to me because I do that a lot and I'm pretty sure most people are tired of it.<br />
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I guess tonight I'll try and remember to journal. I need to stop avoiding the inevitable and just suck it up and write. Write to God and write for me. It'll be healthy to let all these thoughts out of my head.mandyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05178579787344719592noreply@blogger.com0