I'll have an ungrateful unhopeful Merry Christmas

NOTE: I do not want to talk about all this. If I wanted to talk I would've talked to someone. I just need to get it all off my chest

As far as Christmas presents go I have nothing to complain about. My parents have been blessed with never having to skip out on Christmas for my sister or I. But this year I find myself being a bit ungrateful. I am becoming a spoiled brat in some ways. When it comes to getting presents I have become slightly particular on what I get. All I want is jeans and although I know I am getting some I know the "wannabe rich girl" in me won't be as satisfied as I would be getting William Rast, True Religion, or some other ridiculously expensive brand. I picked out the jeans and they are from a very nice upscale store. In a society filled with materialism I have always prided myself with being as un-materialist as I possibly can but, as this Christmas fast approaches I find myself wanting more for me instead of wanting to give. What is wrong with me? I have always been the social justice, world peace, save-the-world-child and now all I want to do is go buy some expensive clothes that I have absolutely no money to pay for. The hopeful Mandy has almost vanished and I desperately want to get her back because this materialist person that I am becoming is not a person I recognize.

(In no way, shape, or form am I saying every issue I have is because of the statement that I am about to make and I am not trying to cop out or find excuses for my behavior.)

Part of the reason might be because of my parents separation. This will be the second Christmas they will have been separated and now Christmas is just not the same. Now, my mom sleeps on an air mattress in my sister's empty room. At the beginning of the separation things seemed to be going up but I think I have lost hope. It has been a year and half and it is still, from my perspective, the same. I know my mom says they are working on stuff and themselves...bla bla bla... I've heard it all (and posting this does not mean I want to "talk about it") but from an outsiders perspective it looks like a stand-off. Which one is more stubborn? To which I have to say no one will win that one as they are both pretty much equal in the stubborn department. I am not saying that is what is happening but that is what it seems like.

We always had a great Christmas tradition. Christmas Eve my Gram would come and spend the night. We would watch a Christmas movie (usually A Christmas Story) and enjoy each others company. Christmas morning we would wake up and my mom would cook breakfast (pretty much the only day of the year that happened), after breakfast we would open presents, then we would get dressed and go to my grandparents house to have Christmas with my mom's side of the family. We would have some quality family time with g-parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, open presents then say our goodbyes and head off to Gram's to finish out the day. We would have our Christmas dinner which was always chili, then we would open presents, spends some time with Gram and head back home. It was great and my sister and I always loved it. Not only did we get to open presents ALL day but we got to spend time together as a family.

Now, we do everything the same except my mom and sister sleep on the couch or an air mattress in my sister's bare room. Gram does not spend the night on Christmas Eve because there is no room for her to stay and when we watch our Christmas movie one or two people have to sit on the floor because we don't have enough room since their is only the couch. Mom still makes breakfast, we still open presents then go to Grandma and PaPa's then to Gram's but there is a very open sense of brokenness. Last year I cried myself to sleep on Christmas Eve desperately praying for God to fix my family. I guess He is still working on each of them separately but I really wish He would hurry up. I know Him and I have differences when it comes to how much time all this crap is going to take. So since my sense of hope is gone I've gone from being hopeful about the world to thinking "well this sucks. I'm just going to buy stuff to help ignore everything going on." Healthy aint it? If only they could see how they are affecting everyone around them. Maybe they would get a move on with this stuff. This separation does not just affect them. It affects me, Sommer, my grandparents, the rest of my family, their co-workers, and their friends. Everything you do affects multiple people.

The naive little girl in me hopes and prays that I wake up Christmas day to a home. With everything that belongs furniture, dogs, and people. That my sister's room will be fully furnished, that the love seat, flat screen, and everything else in that apartment is back in the place it belongs and that my parents are happily back together. I hoped that last year, and I'll probably hope for it until something happens. And I'll wake up on Christmas with that naive little girl hopeful that everything is the way it should be and walk out of my room to the reality that is now. And the the "adult" in me will wake up and say some anti-morning cranky remark about being up so early and go on with her day like everything is okay while the naive little girl inside cries and shows the true feelings that only God and her will ever see.