There are so many things I want to say. So many thoughts, emotions, and opinions I want to purge. Sometimes I feel like it'll be so much easier to just tell the world. To write it all out and set it free for everyone to read. It's the only way to get people's attention anyway. It's the only way I can get them to listen to me without interrupting me to tell me why my feelings or opinions are wrong. But I can't say anything. I have to keep my mouth shut because the ones I care about the most will be the ones to get hurt the worst. Because it is not my place to have to share ALL the secrets I have been forced to keep.
How is it fair to put so much on one person, knowing how hurt they are by your actions? I'm stuck in my room with my computer and my phone. Grateful for the friend on the other end of the text message who has been there for me through all this craziness. They know all the secrets, they were one of the first people I told them too. Because I trust them. Because they love and care about me and understand me in a way that others (the people who's secrets I hold) will never understand. The person on the other end of the text message is someone I can truly say has my best interest at heart. So I'm stuck in my room, although I've been told I'm aloud to leave it.
I have dealt with depression since middle school but never really had a problem with anxiety until college. I can pin-point the moment that I started having anxiety attacks. It was one night I was staying with a friend because her parents were out of town. I had my first anxiety attack that night on my way. I was terrified to leave my house and I didn't understand why. I started noticing a pattern, every time I would go stay with someone or go out of town I would have horrible anxiety attacks. Some so bad I would get physically sick, others would just be sobbing to the point where I couldn't breathe. It all came down to a decision that was made by someone when I was out of town. When I came back into town my whole entire world had come crashing down before my eyes. With no time to digest the information I was thrown into a world where other people's decisions had completely turned my world on it's head.
And now 5 years later things have changed but none for the better. Things have been revealed and asked to be kept a secret. People get upset when I do not react the way they want despite the effect their actions have had. I ask one thing, literally I have asked one thing and it was turned into me trying to be manipulative when all I wanted was one boundary. I still do not understand how that one got twisted into that. But the damage has been done and it can not be reversed. And it just keeps being done over and over again with complete disregard to how actions can affect the ones whom you love the most.
So I guess I'm just going to keep sitting here in my room since all the secrets are on the other side of the door and I just can't take it anymore. I can't keep feeling like I am betraying and hurting the ones I love because I have to keep other people's secrets. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to me.
