5. My junior year I was extremely depressed. So depressed thoughts of suicide filled my head and the only way to make it go away was inflicting personal injury on myself. I am not proud of it and there is only 4 people in the world who have ever known that about me. Shelby, Amy, Allison, and Maria.
25. I miss the Bear Valley Student Ministry from June of 07 to May of 08. That was the most amazing time in my life and they are the reason for it. They were to most amazing group of people I could ever call my friends. They were my family. I try not to live in the past but it is so hard for me not to wish I could still have that feeling. I wish Natalie didn't move, I wish all the crap that happened at camp didn't happen. I wish I was a better leader at camp than I was and I wish I wasn't still angry at God for tearing my world apart.
I never thought I would tell anyone either of those things except for the people that already knew. And I put in on the internet! Either I'm a complete idiot or there was a reason my fingers decided to have type vomit and there was a reason I hit publish instead of the backspace key. I hope its not because I'm an idiot. I hope there was a reason for me to tell my deepest secrets to basically the whole world of facebook.
I didn't know I was still angry with God until I wrote it. It sounds ridiculous and stupid but it is true. I knew that my relationship with him wasn't everything it used to be but I thought it was just because of all the changes going on in my life at the moment. I guess it was God's way of making me face up to the truth that I was still pissed at Him for how the end of my senior year worked out. I am still mad at the whole Bobby situation even though I am not only out of the youth but not even going to the same church anymore, I miss Natalie more than I have ever missed anyone (except my sister) and I still haven't come to grips with her not being a few minutes away, I am mad that the youth group Natalie worked so hard to make close is now scattered all over and is split between "Bobby people" and "not Bobby people," I hate that the summer group is no more and now its only 3 of us, I hate feeling distant from EVERYONE including my sister, my mom, Shelby, Amy, Mama Michele, and Natalie. I wish I had the courage to say all these words aloud but I don't.
Living this constant life of frustration, hurt, anger, and resentment has finally brought me to my breaking point. Wish eyes watering from the hurt and anger I will wrap up this note.
I need help. I can't do it on my own but I don't know who to go to or where to turn. I need to just break down and cry and have someone there to make me not be so distant and make me talk because I'm not one to express feeling unless I feel its needed. I don't need to cry by myself in the middle of Starbucks on 26 with random people I don't know (which is what I'm doing at the moment).
