I have always been taught that I needed to get a job and fulfill commitment. It is a value that my parents have taught my sister and I for my entire life. I understand why they have taught us that and I do not want to de-value it in any way, shape, or form but sometimes things happen and commitments can not be filled.
This last week was a very hard one. I went back and forth dozens of times. Do I want to stay? Do I want to go? Should I stay? Am I doing any good here for these people? Will I be able to do my absolute best and put everything I need to into this job? Monday I wanted to leave, Tuesday I wasn't sure, Wednesday and Thursday I wanted to stay, and Friday I realized that I was honestly not doing anyone any favors by staying. I was doing my harm than good and it wasn't fair to the Sierra Vista staff or the campers that were going to be attending camp this summer. I knew I would be folding on a commitment, I knew I would be walking away from a set job, I knew my parents would be beyond pissed and incredibly disappointed (both points which were made clear multiple times when I had to make the dreaded phone call to them). But at the same time I honestly could not remain a counselor if I could not put my whole heart into it. And also if I did not feel like this was where God wanted me to be.
See I have been going non-stop since about spring break. School was a killer the last half of the semester, I had work Monday-Friday, I was getting ready to go to Michigan and camp at the same time. After HEB finished I was on a plane, literally the next day, to Michigan. I was in Michigan for 9 days and of those 9 days I got maybe 3 nights of decent sleep. I got back from Michigan at noon on June 3 and was up and on the road by 5:45 the next morning to head down to Ingram for camp. I got to camp and was literally thrown into the mix. I got my bed made and the kids came in. The only thing I unpacked was my clothes and everything else was in a box so I never knew where most of my stuff was. The day I got there I had activities to lead. I had no idea where anything was, who anyone was, or what in the world I was doing. I knew going into it that it was going to be a challenge and I was going to be incredibly overwhelmed. I had fully prepared myself for being completely lost and overwhelmed and I knew the first week would be a mix or ups and downs but mostly downs. So much was happening so fast that I didn't know what to do. I was shaking the entire afternoon and evening because I was so overwhelmed.
I was incredibly lucky to be hired on at a camp that every person was nice and willing to help me and answer all of my questions no matter how small or annoying they might have been. At first I felt completely left out. I had miss staff training and the entire week where everyone bonded together. But I knew that would happen. Through out the week I started getting more comfortable with everyone and making friends. That was not the problem.
The problem was that the longer I stayed there the more I felt that there was something wrong. Something wasn't fitting right. I knew my heart wasn't in it. I knew I only got a job because I was told I needed a job because I have a car payment. You can not be a camp counselor and not fully want to be there. It literally takes everything in you. You are with kids for 24 hours a day. Waking them up, making sure they eat 3 meals a day, making sure they do their chores in the cabin, leading them in activities, helping out with tribe competitions, getting them showered, getting them in bed, and then doing the same thing again the next day. There is no real time to catch your breath. We did have time off. But not everyday. The first two days and last two days of camp no one has anytime off. You are constantly doing something.
I kept saying that I felt like I was going to need a few days in between Michigan and camp to catch my breath and people kept telling me that if I did that it would make me not want to go to camp anymore. So I listened and went straight from Michigan to camp. As the week went on I got more overwhelmed and I got less sleep. I did not get a solid night of sleep at all. I woke up at least once every night I was there. I hadn't slept in almost a month. People kept saying "just keep going. you can sleep when you get home at the end of the summer." Here is the thing about that. Most people when they are going for a long period of time come home and get to sit for a few minutes and get to sleep. Being a camp counselor you don't get that. At night you have activities you are helping with, then you are getting kids showered (which is an activity in it's self) and in bed. You get to shower and go to bed but even when you are asleep you are still "on duty" because if a kid has a problem and wakes you up you have to deal with it. So I kept going. Sleeping maybe 5 hours a night if I was lucky, getting up working all day and night and doing it again the next day. Finally, sometime around Wednesday I hit a wall. And I hit it hard. I realized that I honestly could not do this job if I kept going the way I was. I needed rest and sleep. I was no good to anyone if I was not sleeping well.
Also as I was reading New Way To Be Human by Charlie Peacock I realized that the work I was doing was not to glorify God. I was doing it because I was told I needed a job and I have been told I am good with kids. So I got a job working with kids. Here is the deal. I don't want to work with kids. That is not how I want to spend my life. I want to work in music. I did not feel like I was glorifying God by tirelessly and unenthusiastically being a camp counselor. I came at this job with the wrong intentions. I did not take it to make a positive impact on a child. I took it cause I needed a job and it was not fair to anyone, especially the kids, that I stay because I honestly could have cared less. I cared about the kids but not as much as I should to do a good job.
I knew what would happen. I knew my parents would be pissed beyond belief. I knew I was throwing away a perfectly good summer job. I knew I would need to find one when I got back and that it would be challenging since it is already into June. I weighed my options and picked the one that I felt was the best for not just me but for the camp as well.
I can say with my hand on my heart that this decision (no matter what ANYONE says) had nothing to do with being homesick, wanting to be comfortable, or not wanting to deal with change. In fact, yesterday I wanted to stay and I cried when I said goodbye. I was adjusting and the change was honestly not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I liked the people I worked with and most of the kids were alright as well. When I left yesterday the camp director told me that if I felt that I was in a better place next summer and that I could be a great counselor to let her know and that I would always be welcome at the camp. She understood why I was leaving and was not angry at my decision. Once I told her what was going on she agreed with me that it was best for me to leave. She also made it very clear that she did not want me to feel bad or like I was leaving them in a lurch. She told me to keep in touch and let her know if she could do anything for me. I am very lucky to have worked under her for the short amount of time I was able to.
I hope this clarifies somethings. I hope people understand that this was not a selfish decision and that it was truly one that I had to wrestle with. I did not make my decision lightly and I still don't take it lightly.
