I have developed a crippling fear of change. I'm not exaggerating about that either. I have had two break downs in the last two days because I am terrified of this amazing opportunity that is ahead of me this summer. See, I got a summer job. Yay! But it's 5 1/2 hours away and I'll be gone for 8 weeks. That scares the shit out of me. I hate the thought of being away from home for that long and that far away by myself. With no one I know. I won't have my friends or family. I won't have my dogs or my house. I won't have my room. The one place that is mine. The one place I can control basically everything. I won't have my bed or my computer or my obnoxiously pink walls. I'll be sharing a cabin with other people. I won't have a place to myself. I am terrified.
As I have gotten older and lived at home longer the more severe my anxiety gets. I panic at the thought of something changing. Thinking about being away makes me literally sick to my stomach. I want to quit and I haven't even signed a contract yet.
I hate this. I have literally made myself sick to get out of a situation that I was uncomfortable with so I could go back to "normal." I like my house and my room and my dog. It is comfortable and home. And every time a new opportunity comes up and I think to take it and then chicken out because I don't want to leave the comforts of my room. I am 22 years old and I am scared to leave my house how freak'n sad is that?! Like, come on! I just want to scream "GET OVER YOURSELF!" at me all the time.
I know God has a plan. I know I am meant to go work this camp. I can feel it in my bones. I just feel Satan taking a hold of me and exploiting my weakness for all its worth. I pray, I pray a lot. I pray "Please Lord, I am terrified!" I read Isaiah 41:13 over and over again. Still I feel this grasp Satan has and he's not letting go. I try to run to Christ because I know that He is the only one who can help me. But the closer summer gets the more real every thing gets. And the more terrified I become. I hate this I hate this I hate this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do I have to have literally life crippling anxiety? Why does it take over and consume me when I have an amazing opportunity right in front of me. It is so close I don't even have to stretch my arm out to grab it. It's practically being placed in my hand.
I really wish I had told her that I couldn't be there until the 5th. Having a full day at home might help. But it might hurt as well. Make it even harder to go than it already is. My mom said she'll take me down there. And I need her to but how lame is that! I need my mom to take me so I don't just turn my car right back around and go home.
I'm exhausted and I'm pretty sure it's Satan's doing. He makes me think about all this stuff the week that I leave the house at 7 am and don't get home until almost midnight. I'm already tired so he takes this marvelous opportunity to latch on and make me flip and cry and call my mom at midnight because I am having a panic attack.
Lord, I need you! I'm a believer help me believe!
As exhaustion leads the way I am going to pass out any second so I'll wrap this up. I hate change, I have control issues, and I have horrible anxiety. I know I have these problems and I am trying to deal with them. I just hope I can get a hold of them before camp starts. BAH! I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!
2 comments:
I have faith in you girly! You will be absolutely amazing! If summer camp in highschool taught me anything, is that you will be amazing! You will really make a change in these young children, who will go on to do amazing things. This is just Satan seeing all of the good you will do, and the ripple effect it will cause, and he is getting scared. I have a tremendous amount of faith in you (and you know it is my middle name and all lol). If you want, I can Skype with you every day! You will meet new people and be away from home, which I understand is very scary. When you do it, though, you will be like "I guess this wasn't so bad." This will be great preparation for DBU! I am very excited for the person you have become and who you are still becoming. You will be amazing!
Ditto on Ericka's entire comment! I can GUARANTEE you that this will literally be the best thing that you have done for yourself so far. Every change I have made, although terrifying to me as well, has always ended up being the best thing I could have done! You need to be out of your comfort zone to grow, make new friends, become independent, and get you to the next step in life. I know that all sounds cliche, but I am absolutely positive that after the summer you will look back on the experience and be so grateful that you took the opportunity! Everyone else there will be in the same situation as you so just pray that you can be open and take any opportunity you can to be social with your coworkers. It gets easier and easier each time you do it. And by the time you get to DBU you will be so ready to surround yourself with other people your age and do your own thing! I know you can do it. I love you!
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